Welcome to the Loft

Posted by Lex Konrad in Sex | Jul 07, 2003

Sexuality. I’ve never been comfortable with that word. To me it channels bad memories of stifling gender studies classes, foucaultian pyscho-babble and angry pseudo-intellectuals on college campuses everywhere. The concept was embarrassingly introduced to me as I was fumbling around with two girls while trying to pull off my first threesome experience. Yeah, that’s how it looks on porn sites—multiple orifices probed, a multitude of exciting and acrobatic positions, two girls happily sucking cock as a team—but I soon discovered that unlike my adolescent erotic fantasies, the real thing was bumpy and awkward. Bodies and minds didn’t necessarily align themselves quite the way I had imagined. This stuff was going to take some work.

Leslie and I had met Penny* while dancing at one of those bisexual, gay & lesbian student union parties that every college seems to have. We went for kicks, not action. Plus they had a rep for throwing some of the wildest parties on our otherwise painfully conservative campus. It was the first of a handful of times in my life that I chose to don women’s clothing and, frankly, I looked stunning in that elegant red dress. Or maybe I was dreaming. Penny, a short, cute bisexual with light brown hair and a tight body, oozed out of the crowd of dancing bodies and affixed herself, lamprey-like, to my girlfriend. I couldn’t do much more than simply gawk at the spectacle that unfolded before me. This was it, I thought: my ticket to the world of wonderful, sweet, soft girl-on-girl love.

After a couple weeks of painful negotiations, Penny agreed to let me in on the fun. We met at her room. The girls showered together while I sat on the bed in my underwear, full of anticipation and feeling like a bit of a tool. But the whole evening was a bust. Penny wouldn’t so much as stroke my cock, even though she let me touch her pussy and offered her tight ass up to me so that I was able to run my tongue over the entire length of her nether regions, starting with her clitoris and ending with her anus. She fumbled with Leslie’s pussy as if it was the first time she had seen one. As if that weren’t bad enough, I had to do something completely stupid to kill what little chemistry there was. As Penny straddled Leslie I made the mistake of muttering something to the effect of “that’s kinky.” Penny shot me an evil glare and responded, “it’s not kinky. It’s my sexuality!” A loud fart couldn’t have received a worse reception.

The worst thing about a failed threesome is that you unwillingly revisit the scenario over and over in your head. There you were, so close to what for 90% of the men on this planet is the Holy Grail of sex, but somehow you came up short. You have all these conflicting thoughts bouncing around in your head. Should I have been nicer somehow, like, let her put a fucking collar on me and walk me around the room like a prized pet? Should I have pulled the slut’s hair and fucked her face as if I were doing gonzo porn? And that’s when I realized what sexuality is all about: that somewhere in the flirtatious conversations, or the tangle of naked bodies piled on the sofa, or even in the personality of your own cock lies the key to your true self. Your species-being, as Marx might have called it if he were concerned with such things. But you have to be able to at least conceive of the right questions to arrive at the right answers. Now, years later, I have only barely begun to find out what those questions are.

That was it for Penny. We did end up hanging out a few more times but the mood was never right. She went on to become a somewhat militant campus lesbian, and now that my fantasy bubble had been burst it would be years before I even considered doing another threesome. One of the last times I had a real conversation with her, Penny asked me what my sexuality was. There’s that sexuality word again, I thought, and blurted out “Leslie.” It sounded kind of stupid to me (and I’m sure to her as well) at the time, but little did I know how much truth there was in that answer.

(*Some names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. Do they even need my protection?)

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