Nihil est Sanctvm
I came across this gem when cleaning out my old emails. It’s a note that I sent to my friend Nikki after a night of serious over-indulgence and general mayhem. Yes, the title of this entry is the actual subject of the email. I really don’t know what I was thinking, but I was on some kind of scary roll. This could almost be considered poetic if it weren’t so deranged. Kids, this is why you should never do drugs, mmmkay?
Thus quoth the raven,
lovergirlhoneybunchsweetiepiepumpkinpatch,
FUCK… just got home. last night was ill, yo! and like a dumbass i called your cell which is sitting right NEXT to me. call me at home 212.414.4510. and i’m finally getting susan to pay her dumbassed, hairy-cunted way… she scored me another 1/2 at the party and (gasp!) she chipped in for the cabfare home. and some dude tore into her at the last party we went to… totally deconstructed her whole shit. she was speechless… twas funneee as haieylll to see. you HAD to be there. not hatin on her or anything, but the (stupidfuckinhairycuntedticketsellinbigtitted) BITCH got SICK on me AGAIN! RIGHT before i was goin to take her back to my pad and fuck that bushy pussy ALL AFTERNOON LONG (what better way to spend a saturday?). assuming i would have been able to GET MY DICK HARD. remind me one more time why we didn’t just chill at my pad so i could watch u and leslie (the HOTTEST FUCKING SLUT, by the way, “enchantay mlle leslie, the pleasure is ALL MINE”) get it on. i mean, you came over right after i finished licking that SWEET TWAT of hers and got a few DEEP THRUSTS in.
I AM SO MASSIVELY FUCKD [sic] UP AND WILL CONTINUE TO B SO FOR QUITE SOME FUCKIN TIME! i do solemly SWEAR that i shall (EVENTUALLY) stop burning the GODDAMNED CANDLE at BOTH FUCKIN ENDS! Jesus H Christ, i cannot even SEE straight. nor can i PEE str8. plus im hungry as FUCK but my stomach HURTS. WHY do i do drugs again?
did u know that russian guy brought marjorie back to his pad and she got FREAKED THE FUCK OUT and left?! marjorie wasn’t even ALL THAT! i thought her reaction to my SALAD-TOSSING dissertation and my technique of sticking my finger up a SLUT’s ASSHOLE when i’m eating her out placed marjorie firmly in the FREAK camp (the only goils who i truly get down with, by the by). i’ll admit it… I LOVE LICKING GIRLS’ ASSHOLES! why can’t this be said in POLITE CONVERSATION?! we all FUCK, don’t we?
did u know some BLACK GUY with a CAST and that WHITE SLUT were GETTING IT ON behind some tiny partition that just BARELY covered the bed? and that said negro gentleman felt the need to tell me to BACK OFF cause i happened to b sitting on said bed a few FEET away from that JERSEY WHORE*.
*-a little qualification here: not all JERSEY WHORES are bad. some are actually nice HOT LITTLE SLUTS who will hsppily slurp the CUM off your CUMMY COCK. i won’t apologize. i like em SWEET and i like em NASTY. I GET OFF ON THE APPARENT CONTRADICTION! i am talking about NO ONE IN PARTICULAR.
speaking of SWEET (or NASTY), i can’t remember what i was going to say (the modalities of printed text v. the ever-metamorphosing brain) but just remember that LESLIE is the sweetest piece of ass this side of the FUCKING MISSISSIPPI. and she is this GREAT FUCKING PERSON too and if people can’t see that then FUCK ‘EM. It’s their loss.
when did you leave, exactly?
and, yes, I lIKE TO FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. sure, i do OTHER SHIT too but i’m thinking about fucking when i’m DOING THAT SHIT. sometimes i think about fucking at work and my PENIS enlarges to proportions that would be considered UNNACCEPTABLE in civilized SOCIETY. and I’m DAMNED GOOD AT FUCKING! Basically, for me, going to a party is 25% about being chill and 75 FUCKING % about GETTING SOME ASS. There’s NOTHING wrong with that! Forget the emotional element for a second, i am PERPETUALLY in a state of sexual agitation. i want to FUCK everyone everywhere in everyway [sic]! i want to be a HOT LITTLE SLUT, going down on all the girls (even sometimes not-so-pretty ones) at the drop of a HAT. i want to be EASY and let all those whores take advantage of me. i want that because i GET OFF on this ideal of selflessly pleasuring many women. just like a girl sometimes has to SUCK COCK to get or keep her man but then starts getting INTO IT, ya know?
WELL, the english girl JUST WROTE ME. i helped her with her work assignment on the train friday morning. and, quite innocently, this WHOLE MESS is slowly but irreversibly developing into some kind of AFFAIR. or maybe she just vending goddamned metrocards, right nikki? she is probably TOO NICE to do all the shit to me that i need done to me, what what?
anyway, i feel like shite [sic]. iwannathrowup. IAMANIDIOT. time to go to bed.
And this ends our public service announcement. By the way, I am half black so I’m allowed to use the word “negro.”
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