So you wanna have a threesome?

Posted by Lex Konrad in Advice | Nov 13, 2003

If naked loft party were written in Halifax, it would go something like this: “Leslie and I pulled down the front of her top and started kissing and sucking her erect nipples. She squirmed away and said she’d just broken up with her boyfriend last month and didn’t want to get hurt again, and could we go sit in the Commons and talk instead.”

Philip Clark, hot action

People often ask me how to go about finding a willing third, the elusive single bisexual female. There seems to be plenty of advice on the internet catering to neurotic daters, gays, lesbians, swingers, furries and whatnot, but do a search for threesome advice and you’ll end up with a bevy of worthless porn sites. So, as a public service, I’m dumping the literary metaphors in favor of some straight talk about everyone’s favorite fantasy.

Orgies are simple enough to handle. People show up at a sex party prepared, at least in theory, to shed their inhibitions in exchange for a night of unbridled ecstasy. Foursomes are simple, too. Couples, for the most part, internalize their doubts and come out ready to play. Threesomes involving a couple and a single male are similarly uncomplicated. You’ll find you have your pick of willing male partners.

But the classic menage a trois—a couple plus a single bi female—is another beast entirely. Most females view sex emotionally. Lacking the safe cocoon of coupledom, the single female looks to fulfill emotional as well as physical needs. She wants to be the center of attention, if only for a night. Almost without exception, the women we’ve bedded were looking for something more complex than sexual gratification, whether it was romance, friendship, or simply two people to shower them with attention. As a couple, you need to be sensitive to this dynamic.

You better have your own house in order, too. Jealous types need not apply, nor people looking to repair a faltering relationship. Neither partner should pressure or otherwise manipulate the other into a threesome scenario. If the two of you aren’t prepared to be completely open and honest with each other then the threesome is best left as an idle fantasy. We’ve met too many women whose past threesome experiences were ruined by unstable couples.

Many people will tell you threesomes just happen. Well, perhaps in Penthouse Forum they do, but out in the living world you have to lay a certain foundation. It’s no different than dating, really. If you fail to place yourself in the right situations and put forth some effort you cannot expect things to happen. Even when Les and I are at our most spontaneous, we have a certain way of approaching things.

Potential partners abound—online, among groups of friends, in bars, at parties. This is not the problem. The problem is most couples waste their effort on the wrong women. There isn’t really a “type” per se. We’ve dated confident, aggressive experts and shy, inexperienced debutantes. But what these women had in common was a certain curiosity, flexibility, openness, and a willingness to meet us half way. They had a playful attitude about sex and didn’t recoil in horror when the subject came up in casual conversation.

Having found the right kind of woman, couples often botch the approach. Too many couples treat the threesome like a business transaction. What they don’t realize is flirtation is as important here as in one-on-one situations. Your approach should be purposeful yet relaxed. Be upfront about your intentions but broach the subject in a playful way. Create a sense of adventure by alluding to wild and fun experiences in the past. Get as much information about her as you can. Is she bi? Heteroflexible? What’s the wildest thing she’s ever done? You have nothing to lose by being forward—in our experience the women who cannot handle this will never be able to handle sharing your bed. This is a multi-tiered weeding process: bringing things out into the open separates the women from the girls.

People don’t say “no” unless they feel they have something to lose. Assuming a woman is comfortable with the idea of a threesome, there is the ever-present fear of rape or physical coercion, the prospect of emotional abandonment, and the possibility that people around her will view her in a negative light. You need to make the third partner feel safe. Make her feel that she is not simply being used as a sex toy. Spare her from any bickering and jealousy, but don’t be afraid to let her in—no one likes being a rickety third wheel. Practice discretion. Don’t make promises you can’t keep regarding romance or friendship.

Abide by the pendulum. As nice as it would be to find someone who’s attracted to you both equally, this almost never happens. I’ve found the third is, as a rule, more interested in either me or Leslie. At the very least she is looking for different things from each of us. The pendulum can be a complication, yes, but it can also be an opportunity. It is the third’s powerful attraction to one half of the couple that propels the scenario to a happy ending. The responsibility inevitably falls on one partner to take the lead. However, and guys in particular need to remember this, the other partner cannot simply lie back. Both of you need to be involved in the flirtation. One of the reasons Leslie rarely plays with other guys is that coupled men make too little effort to engage her.

You can make the pendulum work to your advantage by being open to the possibility of seeing other women separately. A woman who would be intimidated at the thought of being courted by a couple may find the prospect of a threesome enticing once she’s gotten special attention from one of you. Not every couple will be comfortable opening up their relationship to this degree, but I’ve found it’s better to not always be attached at the hip.

Threesomes are all about momentum. You may spend a month or an hour laying the track, but once it’s laid the choo-choo train is either moving or it ain’t. This is the hardest thing for most people to grasp. “But she’s so nice,” they’ll say. “She didn’t exactly say no.” Trust me. I’ve been there. I’m as annoyed as anyone else that women will spend half an hour snogging us only to turn down a simple date. But assuming you’ve come across in an honest, flirtatious and non-threatening manner, there’s nothing else you can do. If a woman won’t make a date, or if after a few dates she’s not ready to say “your place or mine?” then it’s time to move on. Two weeks is about the longest it’s ever taken for us.

Consider Bond Girl, a woman we dated for a couple of months last year. Leslie met her online and quickly set up a meeting over drinks. Les alluded to our arrangement but didn’t make a big deal out of it. The two of them went out for a few hours and then Les called me out to join them. I flirted with Bond Girl a bit but we mostly talked politics. Clearly, she was more into Leslie, and liked girls more than guys in general. Yet our connection was intellectual. Les had already talked to her about our threesome experiences. Nothing happened on the first date, but Les exchanged a few emails with Bond Girl, mentioned my upcoming birthday party and told her I was excited about having her there. When Bond Girl showed up at my party she immediately sat next to me and put her hand on my leg. She came home with us that night.

Or Katrina, the pretty photographer who had taken naked pictures of us. Katrina was shy, the kind of girl who had never seriously contemplated licking pussy while being fucked from behind. She and Leslie exchanged a few emails, wherein Les mentioned our erotic adventures. We all met for drinks, ended up going out to dinner and then to a nightclub. She didn’t refuse an invitation to our bedroom. It helped that Leslie was willing to see her separately later on.

Or Leea, the sweet young strawberry blonde from Texas. I met her online and we went on a few fun dates. She and I had powerful chemistry. Like an idiot, I had forgotten she had checked off girls as well as boys in her profile. I saw her eyeing a female bartender at the Village Idiot on our first date and I called her on it. I knew she had an adventurous streak but I never discussed threesomes with her at all. Leslie just happened to come over one night while Leea was over at my place and the two girls got along famously. Well, perhaps this experience was a bit like Penthouse Forum but I swear this almost never happens to anyone. Really.

There are many women out there who would be happy to join you for a little three-way romp. Most of them haven’t even given serious thought to having a threesome. The trick is to put yourself in situations where you meet open-minded women and then approach them in a playful but purposeful way. Have fun and let me know how things turn out.

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