A Black G-String
I woke up one morning confused, finding I know nothing. Contradictory impulses rattled around in my brain like ice cubes in a double shot. My love life had been organized around the principle of binary choices, of a definite yes or no in short order; I had already categorized Emma as a friend. After the night of the lavender thong I found myself allowing for uncertainty. According to an ancient Chinese proverb, the only way to find the elusive sabertooth walrus is to stop looking.
And this is how I found myself uptown again at that charming little bar, letting events unfold as they may. The honorable Derek was in attendance, as well as the Puerto Rican from the other night, Lili. Chloe was there, laconic, subdued; or perhaps it was the filter of my own eyes. I didn’t ignore her, but I didn’t have much to say, aside from a quip about dancing on the bar half-naked, to which she responded, “I’d like to see that.” To which I responded, cracking a half-smile, “I bet you would.” She left after a short while.
Emma was playful—she’s like that when she’s having a good time. Her jeans came down to reveal a tattoo on her outer thigh: a flower and a butterfly mingling on the canvas of her pale skin. Leslie showed off the tiny Mayan tattoo on her inner thigh, a signpost marking the entrance to nirvana. My index finger found Emma’s black g-string and gave it a gentle tug. It had a knotty texture, like nylon rope. “Doesn’t this thing hurt your ass?” I asked. “Nope, it’s some of the most comfortable underwear I own,” she responded. I buried my nose in her hair, smelling hair products and skin, sweetness triggering an endorphin release. Every woman has a distinctive scent. You’ll be walking down the street years later and it will come to you again.
Later we were outside and Emma was fiddling with her pack of cigarettes, turning two upside down and reinserting them.
“What’s that all about?” I asked.
“This is my good luck cigarette and this is my good fuck cigarette,” she said, pointing at the indicated specimens.
“You should give me the good fuck cigarette,” Leslie whispered into Emma’s ear. We finished our smokes, the cold air ushering us back into the bar.
Our party crowded into the back, hunching around a small table. An argument ensued. I had said it is easy for people to find someone to date in this town. It’s just that single people make themselves miserable with their rigid laundry lists of needs and wants, and people are unwilling to sacrifice their insecurities on the altar of selfless affection. Everyone fancies himself the only one who understands the miseries of love, but in reality we’re all stumbling around in the dark. Perhaps I was not so poetic, but this was the gist of it.
My comments set Derek off. “This is bullshit,” he said. “You don’t know what it’s like. You act like you struggle to find something but you guys have each other. That’s what you don’t understand. Even Emma has her out-of-town lover. You know what? Fuck that. I’m so over that.”
“You have to admit though, I think some people rather enjoy their misery,” I said sheepishly. Derek’s anger took me by surprise, as did his comment about Emma’s out-of-town lover. She hadn’t said anything about it. I find women these days are rarely single, in the strictest sense. They have a booty-call tucked away on speed dial. Break glass in case of emergency.
I excused myself to go use the bathroom while Derek and Leslie locked horns. When I returned, Leslie, Emma and Lili had already moved off into their own little circle, talking about whatever it is that groups of women talk about. The women would soon leave to have a drink together at the tavern up the street. I took a seat across from Derek. “You know, I have just one thing to say.”
“I don’t think there’s anything you could say that would make me change my mind. We better just drop it,” Derek said.
“Just hear me out.”
“Fine.”
“Sartre said hell is other people. He had it wrong though: hell is one’s own self. That’s all I was trying to express.”
Derek agreed and took a sip of his cocktail, letting the thought settle. Vitals returning to normal, he moved on to another subject. “You know, I like your web site. I really do. But sometimes I see someone’s name and wonder what happened to them. The whole story. I guess it’s the drama that keeps me interested. I know people come for the sex—”
“Actually I don’t really care what people come for—the sex is sort of incidental. But I find an audience keeps me disciplined.”
“I wanna hear more of the story behind it, like with Emma. I know how she feels about it but you haven’t written about her in a while.”
Again the recognition that Derek was following this story. I chose not to press him on what he knew, thinking it would be better to draw it out directly from the well. “Yeah, it’s in the works actually… in my head. Some things are easier to put down than others; it’s easier to write about a self-contained experience, like Halloween for example. Emma, well that’s more complex. Really I need a few months of nothingness to get all my stories out, but life has a way of going on whether or not you pause to examine it.”
The girls came back after awhile, each of them two shots happier. All of us were soon making preparations to leave. The bartender, Lili’s boyfriend, kept flashing me wide grins and giving me the thumbs-up. “You da man,” he said, abandoning all discretion. Men are always rooting for the threesome—if one among us succeeds, the reasoning goes, then it’s a victory for us all. I swept Emma out of there as fast as I could.
I was left with Emma, Leslie and the pavement. The two girls shared a lingering kiss as I patiently waited my turn. After they separated I pressed my hands against Emma’s tiny waist and gave her a peck on the lips. “No, wait. I wanna real kiss,” I said. I spread my legs to even the height difference between us, turned my head to one side and pressed my mouth into hers as her lips parted. Emma’s bold tongue writhed against mine, thick, silky, luxurious, filling my mouth with heat. Her parting effect was to wiggle her tongue back and forth, ending the kiss with porno panache.
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