Lost in Translation
Words fail me on many occasions. I’m convinced all anyone really wants is to be understood. This is the basis for all human relationships, be they romantic, friendly, sexual, or professional. We seek out others who share our circumstances, or, at the very least, are able to identify with them.
Sometimes single women tell us we don’t understand what it’s like. But we do. We’ve been through a breakup before, alone and seemingly unappreciated in the big city. We’ve had our struggles as individuals. We know that getting involved with a couple can be an intimidating prospect. Our situation is the result of effort, communication and personal reflection. We aren’t a traditional couple—we’ve opened our hearts and minds to more; not out of desperation or fear, but out of the belief that love isn’t a zero-sum game.
Leslie, for her part, wants a girlfriend. She wants the sort of soft, intimate bond that only two women can share. I cannot be her woman, nor do I want to be. I suppose some men would be threatened by this; I think it’s great. I like the gleam in Leslie’s eyes when she meets someone who makes her happy. I gave up on dating other women separately a long time ago—not that these women weren’t sweet and fun, but my external relationships lacked the intensity, the closeness of what Leslie and I have. I don’t need or want a girlfriend on the side.
Triangulation, on the other hand, is hot. The sex is wonderful. There are a seemingly infinite number of ways three bodies can be joined. Each of you can take turns savoring the ministrations of two hands, two lips, two tongues. You indulge in the simultaneous pleasures of watching and being watched. There aren’t so many people involved that anyone has to feel left out, that any lines of communication aren’t open. Beyond the sex, there’s the quiet joy of enjoying each other’s time, of collapsing into bed together after a long night out, of waking up the next morning and grabbing brunch. Whether you head out to a dive bar or simply curl up on the couch watching a movie, three is an instant party.
Sure, we’ve had our random sexcapades. We are curious, experimental, sex-positive, debauched—we make no apologies for this. But a girlfriend or a small circle of friends and lovers is our preferred arrangement. This isn’t about the cheap thrill of the girl-on-girl show. We’ve experienced enough that it’s no longer about no-strings-attached fantasy fulfillment. Our adventuresome spirit shouldn’t be mistaken for a cavalier attitude toward other people’s feelings.
Last week, when we were out at the former Limelight, Derek told Leslie he thought we place too much emphasis on sex. I really don’t think this is true. In fact, I don’t think we’ve ever asked a woman for sex, or spent time with her simply because we desired genital gratification. Too many women take a giant mental leap—we want to spend time with them, let the intensity build if we’re all feeling it, yet they interpret this as a crass attempt to bed them. We only want a girl in our bedroom if she genuinely wants to be there. This isn’t a game for us—it’s not overwhelmingly serious, but it’s not a game. If someone consistently avoids intimacy you wonder how serious they are about you. You wonder whether they are simply toying with you.
That same night Emma told me these women seem to enter and exit our lives so quickly; that she’s not like that. But really, like what? The women we’ve been with have all been unique. Some became good friends, some were looking for a quick romp, some were looking to be entertained, some moved out of town. The pattern of our relationships hasn’t been any different than what the young and single generally experience in New York. I reminded Emma we’ve been spending time with her for two months—if all we wanted from her was a roll in the hay our time would have been better spent elsewhere.
When we say we want to be friends and lovers we’re serious about it. In the past we’ve gotten down to the sex pretty early on because, as someone noted in the comments, many women treat threesome flirtation as a game—a game they have no intention of completing. With Emma we’ve taken a different approach, in part because Leslie hasn’t met many women she’s felt this strongly about, in part because Leslie and I both feel Emma has a good heart, in part because we want to take it slow and develop something meaningful. Of course, we could be wrong and you, dear reader, will be the first to know.
Yes, there are risks for her but there are risks for us as well. We don’t want to open ourselves to something that’s going nowhere. Emma may well find a boyfriend before we see this through. She may not turn out to be who we think she is and suddenly drop out of our lives. Yes, there are risks. In the end, we don’t want to get hurt any more than she does. We’re patient, respectful, and trusting. We’re great lovers. We’ll spoil the right woman. But it’s essential she meet us half way.
As I was writing this, Leslie sent me an email sharing some of her thoughts:
I’ve heard this too often, “But you don’t understand because you have each other,” in a conversation about getting involved with us. I rarely answer. I never know how to explain it. Yes, it’s true; I have someone to go home to every night. But I’ve heard people complain about that very thing too. You know the dumb joke: “Take my wife, please.” Or people who say, “I wish I had a moment’s peace from this person.” It seems to me that it’s more a matter of attitude. Are you going to let yourself be happy? Or are you going to look for something to be sad about?
It can be frustrating to have to explain how I can be happy in my relationship yet still desire other people. Is it so wrong to want something even though I am content? Would it be better for people to know that I too have sad moments? I’d rather focus on the things in my life that make me feel good and not feel guilty about enjoying myself.
Perhaps I could say something like this, “The whole point is that I desire more than one person, and I desire each person in a different way.”
If The Ethical Slut taught me anything (thanks to Roberta for introducing me to this book; she said, “You need to be around people who understand you, and you need to realize that what you’re feeling and wanting is okay.”), it was to feel good about wanting to be intimate with more than one person as long as I’m honest with everyone involved.
“Have you ever cared for someone you weren’t in love with? Did that make it less special? Isn’t it possible to find another person who is special to you in a different way? My desiring other women certainly doesn’t take away from my love for Aleks—it’s a separate feeling—but it’s no less important.”
And if I feel free to share as much, I might be able to go on and say this, “What I’m really looking for is a girlfriend. A girlfriend for me and for us.” I want to say these things to the right woman, but sometimes I’m afraid of how she’ll react. Sometimes all people want is Leslie the party girl, the WILDBICHICK.
The wonderful thing about saying these things out loud is that I feel absolutely sure of what I want—I don’t feel weird about it anymore. “I want to be with a woman who can be a lover and a friend—both at once. I want to be with a woman who reminds me that I do indeed like women. I want to be with someone whose company I enjoy, both physically and emotionally. I want to be able to trust that she will be around the next day. I want to have her reach out to me as much as I reach out to her. I want to share something deeper.”
I’ve been with other women who left me empty. When the party was over, they were gone, and they only returned when the next party started. Or they didn’t return because they were tired of partying. This makes me wonder if I’m just going through a phase. My gut tells me something doesn’t feel quite right, and I feel like I’m only touching a woman because I’m providing some entertainment for her and for the people around me.
In the right woman’s presence I am reminded that I do like women. I’m not confused about where to grab, or how to grab, or when to grab, or when to stop grabbing. I enjoy her scent. I’m spellbound by her words. I get shivers when she pulls me closer. I rush to pull her in for a deep kiss. I remember this the next day and I imagine getting the chance to experience it all over again.
Aside from Emma, only three women have had this effect on me. The first time was in college. The relationship did not go very far because I was in denial. At 19, I was just a kid. I was learning that I had these “strange” desires and didn’t know what to do with them. I was a virgin with women. When I finally let go, I knew my attraction to women was real. The other two were just last year: Katrina in the summer and Bond Girl in the fall. There were different obstacles with each one, but still, when I touched them and smelled them I knew the desire was real. It was still hard to express my feelings because in the back of my head I wondered if this girlfriend idea was totally nuts. It would be nice to make a connection with someone. A woman who is as excited about me as I am about her. A woman who remembers me when I’m not around to keep her entertained.
I find myself in these conversations often, as if I have to justify my life to someone else. Eventually it leads to the same place and the same line of questioning. When women first see our relationship they often feel they are intruding on something. I don’t think it’s because we fail to include people in our lives, but simply because women see how tight we are. I should say, “Please don’t be intimidated by my relationship with Aleks. It would be just as silly as if I thought your best friend was competition for me. Most people you meet will already have someone special in their lives. Does this mean you have no place in their lives?”
Honestly, I can understand a woman’s apprehension. At the same time, we’ve put a lot of thought into this and we want to share. “A third person coming into our lives would be one-third of a new relationship. It doesn’t have to be that deep, but we’d show her as much respect and loyalty as she shows us.”
Despite my flirtatious party-girl image, I’m really looking for something deeper. I want to share my passion, my energy, my man, with a woman—a friend and lover who would meet us half way. To me, it’s the most natural and wonderful desire in the world.
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