An Old Joke

Posted by Lex Konrad in Dispatches | Oct 04, 2004

Leslie, Jen and I piled into 120’s car. The budding porn-starlet drove us downtown, clutching the steering wheel in one hand and a joint in the other. She got touchy about us having a ciggy in the car, saying she didn’t like the smell, even though the interior reeked of stale marijuana. Drawled on about how much she enjoys making breakfast for the guy she’s shacked up with right now. I just peered silently out the window and watched the city scroll by—wondered how the boyfriend felt about his pornomaniacal princess.

The Hole again. A decaying ruin where an actual bar might once have stood. Refuge of lunatics. Backdrop to so many of my indiscretions.

We were nearly an hour late. We found Layla seated in the back with her lover, a chirpy blonde. After making the obligatory introductions I sat next to Lay, straining over the music to catch what her girl was saying. The blonde clung to Layla’s arm as she spoke.

“You can do anything you want in here,” I explained to Layla. “I’ve even seen people hooking up.”

“Heh. I brought condoms.”

“There’s one problem with that: this place is absolutely disgusting.” We both laughed. The blonde rose to her feet and started to give Lay a lap dance: a territorial sort of move. I excused myself and went in search of beer.

Some time later I returned to our spot. Everyone was off making mouth noises at people. Layla emerged from the crowd with her lover in tow, then extricated herself and came over to sit by me. She looked a little annoyed. I wrapped an arm around her slight frame and gave her a peck on the cheek.

“She kept asking me to go home with her but I just want to get some rest tonight,” Lay said. “I’m still not sure about her. What do you think?”

I tried to be diplomatic. “Well, um, she’s nice,” I murmured. “Seems a tad clingy though.”

Layla continued, telling me about the things that had given her pause. I listened and then smiled. “There’s an old joke,” I said. “What does a lesbian bring on the second date?”

“What?”

“A U-Haul.”

“Ha! I feel bad though… I think she wants more than I can give her right now.”

“You shouldn’t feel too bad. After all, you did just meet her. I don’t think you owe her anything but the truth.”

“I hope you and Les are cool with me bringing her out… and going home by myself tonight.” She placed her hand on mine.

“It’s nice to spend some non-sexual time with you for a change. You can check my pocket, by the way: no U-Haul receipts.”

Lay slid her hand up my leg. It wasn’t my pocket she was checking.

Later on 120 disappeared. By the looks of it she left with a tattooed dyke but I couldn’t be certain. I waited in the bathroom line, yukking it up with a trio of pretty lesbians. When I returned Lay and company were already saying their goodbyes, leaving Les and I with Jen, who smacked my ass and offered me a spot on the couch.

“So, what do you think of Layla?” I asked Jen.

“She’s cool. That girl was all over her though.”

I chuckled and told her the one about the lesbian and the U-Haul.

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