A Pregnant Pause
“Wot the fuck is this?” I’m looking through the bag Leslie brought home from the convenience store, staring, mesmerized, at one item in particular.
“It’s a pregnancy test,” she responds, evidently unruffled. “My breasts have felt sore lately. Do they feel any bigger to you?”
They feel the same but what do I know? My life flashes before my eyes and not in the way I might have expected. Gotta get a bigger place, I’m thinking. No more boozing and whoring. Private school or public school? Definitely private. Not gonna spoil the child with a lot of consumerist crap—yeah, throw out the television and move out of this country of morons. Daycare definitely out… I’ll be a stay-at-home-dad. Plenty of activities, yes, and get the kid on the golf course early. Glad we went to a good school; halfway decent grades and college is taken care of. What am I thinking? Of course the kid’ll be a fucking genius. A girl might be nice but then I gotta keep her off the stripper pole, yanno? And she ain’t dating anyone til she’s thirty. Break the guy’s fuckin’ nose, I will. If it’s a boy, well, gotta keep him off the pole and he ain’t dating anyone til he’s thirty. Break the girl’s fuckin’ nose, I will. Twins? Christ. Just get ‘em out of the house and retire somewhere warm—tired of this winter bullshit. “Uh…”
Les putters around the house for a while. I’m trying to bite my tongue.
“Are you—are you, you know, gonna take the test? Because I’d really like to know whether we have to start thinking about the future and stuff.”
“Fine.” When she emerges from the bathroom with the plastic stick I don’t know what to make of the results. “It’s negative,” she says.
“So it’s all good then.”
“Not so fast. We won’t know for certain until I get my period.”
It’s not the result, one way or another, that kills me; it’s the Schroedinger’s Cat uncertainty of the whole thing. If all that nonsense about Intelligent Design were true a giant plus sign would appear on a woman’s belly as soon as she conceives—and a college fund would pop out of the woman’s vagina along with the child. We can only dream.
A few days later Les does indeed get her period. Sure, I’m relieved, but what truly frightens me is I’m not that relieved. In my twenties I might have had an aneurism, but now? Fatherhood just seems like another adventure.
More: Pregnancy | Fatherhood
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Leslie | Dec 9, 08:42 PM | #
In my anxious state (because of the intense breast aches I was experiencing over a few weeks), I actually took the test sooner than I should have. After realizing this, I had to accept that there was really nothing I could do for several days. I tried to hide my panic. Being pregnant really changes everything. And when my body confirmed that I was not “with child” well, I was relieved. But at the same time, and this part I’m still trying to sort out, I felt like I missed out on something. What the hell is happening to my body? And mind??chelsea girl | Dec 10, 05:37 PM | #
This post is so excellent because it completely embodies so many multiple ambivalencies about pregnancy. Especially for those of us whose lifestyles (as opposed to lives) would be seismically changed by it.I feel where you’re coming from, Daddy-O (or not, as the case may be).
Though just for the record, I’d leave the stripper pole up.
Girl | Dec 11, 10:18 AM | #
This was an excellent post. And also the comment from Leslie.How does one embrace the possibility of such change and adaptation to one’s life?
I’ve no idea, but this post made me smile a whole lot because I felt myself relating to all the issues you brought up.
And I’m with Chelsea Girl on the pole thing.
James | Dec 11, 02:28 PM | #
What will you do if you have children and the noses you try to break are the same sex of your kids? :-)Suze | Dec 12, 01:43 PM | #
Lex & Leslie, I don’t know whether to congratulate you or not.You seemed to warm to the idea of parenthood. But I guess it will happen when the time is right.
Quite rightly you did point out that the fun might have to be curtailed. So, for now carry on and enjoy.
:)
scout | Dec 12, 06:51 PM | #
no matter what your current lifestyle is, kids change things. for you it may mean taking the stripper pole down. for me it meant putting off med school for 5 years. but in the meantime, i’m raising a beautiful kid with a beautiful boyfriend, getting my phd and applying to med school next year.it all works out in the end. and leslie, you’re not going crazy, mind or body. it is completely, 100% normal to feel all those mixed emotions. i thought i couldn’t go through more hormonal changes than i did when i was 22. but now i’m 28 and it’s as much a mindfuck as it was then. don’t worry too much. it’s the (ahem) perks of being a woman.
Mim Redbeard | Dec 17, 07:10 PM | #
Leslie I understand on the feeling of missing out on something. I personally had never wanted kids, I have always had issues with My reproductive bits, and earlier this year had to have a hysterectomy. Now I find myself ever so often wondering, IF I could have gotten pregnant, how would I feel, think, be etc. You still have time and when it is right the test will say positive. then you know all the joys and pains that right now you feel you are missing. I hope it is everything you dream of and more.alwaysarousedgirl | Dec 17, 08:23 PM | #
Can’t say for sure about fatherhood. But motherhood certainly is an adventure. It’s NOT for everyone though. Some days I’m not certian it’s for me. But I love it.Having kids changes EVERYTHING. Absolutely everything.
Thanks!
Lionette | Dec 18, 06:37 AM | #
Completely understand…before i took my first ever pregnancy test i was adament that i never wanted kids, i wanted to be selfish for the rest of my life…
yeah that changed. after a few “lost” pregnancies there’s nothing that i want more now than to become a mother.
and it does feel like i’m missing out on something.
when the universe knows you are both ready – it will happen.