The Last Man Standing
Kif, I’ve made it with a woman. Inform the men.
-Zapp Brannigan
“Dude, these girls are killing me.” That’s what Emma’s friend Doug says. We’re lounging in Emma’s small living room watching the taped episode of Saturday Night Live, Leslie and Emma lying stretched out beneath the television like cats, cuddling and purring and pawing at each other a little bit. In all honesty I hadn’t really noticed. SNL is funny again and I’m squinting hard at the teevee trying my damndest not to see double. I kinda nod and grunt and then fall silent because it’s six in the morning and I’m too tired to indulge anyone’s sapphic fantasies.
“I mean, you two have been with her before,” he continues. “I dunno what she wants.”
This produces another grunt from yours truly. By now I could probably write a book, nay, a series of books about what Emma wants, appropriately titled What Emma Wants: Vols I-IX, by Lex Konrad, the (in)famous knower of women. I suppose my surly disposition owes something to the fact that Les, Emma and I have been through a lot together. What we have is more emotional than hardcore—I feel I’ve earned that shit somehow, the old fashioned way, and when dudes come sniffing around looking for some of that magic mojo I get a little territorial. Emma’s, well, sort of my girl now and I’m trying to decipher what, precisely, that means to me.
“Should I—should I leave you three alone?”
“Naw, don’t worry about it.” The truth is it doesn’t matter: Emma’s out of commission for tonight so nothing’s going to happen anyway (as a young lad I’d never imagined how prominently women’s menstrual cycles would feature in my life). Nonetheless, when Doug slips into the bathroom I crawl over to the girls and grope Emma’s smooth little rear end—being the recipient of my affections entails a great deal of grabassery.
I suppose people can be forgiven for believing everything in a small radius around Les and Lex turns into a sex party, but on the other hand their assumptions remind me of a t-shirt slogan I saw on the internets once, something along the lines of “I’m bisexual, polyamorous and kinky… but I’m still not going to sleep with you.” Since there’s nary a whiff of orgy in the air Doug does eventually decide it’s time to leave. When the door closes behind him I whip out my dick and Emma treats it like a friendly snake at a petting zoo—patting it on the head and, like, talking to it. The three of us burst out laughing and I realize this is precisely the kind of moment the people who perv on us wouldn’t understand.
I’m way past the fantasy-fulfillment stage with Leslie and Emma. I know each of them too well and I’m too comfortable in their combined presence to make a fetish of what they do together. For some familiarity might take the bloom of the rose but to me the rose only turns a deeper, more fragrant shade of red. Communicating this to someone who’s not in a relationship with two females is like shouting across a chasm. There’s just no getting beyond “Dude! You’re with two chicks at once.” Five years ago it was funny to hear—over and over again—that I’m the luckiest man alive, but nowadays I shrug. There’s just so little overlap between real life and pornography.
And sometimes, in this city of boys who are so unsure of themselves, whose heads explode upon the sight of two girls kissing, who even in their bravado are terrified of going beyond anything skin deep, I wonder whether I’m not the last man standing.
Comments Off | Top ↑
Leslie | May 20, 01:01 AM | #
Nicely said Lex.
And thanks for making me aware of the comment. “Dude, these girls are killing me.†Right, because two girls together couldn’t possibly be enjoying each other just for the sake of enjoying each other. They must be doing it for some other man’s enjoyment.
Viviane | May 20, 01:52 AM | #
Hm, I remember something about ‘for the sake of the male gaze.’
You may very well be the last man standing, sweetie.
olivia | May 20, 10:59 AM | #
Why does being on your period put someone ‘out of commission’? I get more horny when I’m on than any other time of the month, having sex and orgasms are both amazing for relieving period pains, and if you’re having sex with someone, surely you can’t be put off by natural bodily functions? Sex is always messy and ‘sexiness’ is at odds with all the wierd things (noises, smells…) a body does/can do. I’m not suggesting anyone really needs to get into menstrual blood-loving (!) but I can’t imagine not having sex for a whole week every month for the sake of a little blood on the sheets…
Leslie | May 20, 06:12 PM | #
That’s not an assumption we make. Usually the women we’re with either say specifically or imply that because of their period, they are out of commission.
A woman who has her period is by no means a leper. However, I must admit, there are limited things I’m willing to do when either I have or another woman has her period so I can respect when another woman feels uncomfortable with that.
Even though sex can be messy, it’s always more a matter of each person’s comfort level.
Aine | May 20, 09:35 PM | #
I’ve only recently started reading your blog, but it’s moments like these that remind me why I keep coming back. It’s like, dude, you get it. ;)
All kidding aside, I’ve never seen someone describe a relationship like that in such realistic terms before. Too often people assume that it’s all orgies and hot girl-on-girl action and forget that, underneath everyone’s expectations, a real relationship forms the core. Real people, real emotions… if everything in life were about sex, life would have absolutely no depth.
It’s good to see other people in “non-traditional” relationships that function so well together. Bravo. :)
charles | May 20, 11:06 PM | #
Sometimes people, mostly guys, ask me how they can get what I have: A loving wife, and a wonderful girlfriend, and all of us so happy together.
Like Lex, all I can do is shrug. I have no idea how it happened, I can’t imagine how my karma could be this good.
Who was I in my last life? Fucking Ghandi or something?!?
One thing I do know, in this world only a small fraction have the neeeded emotional package to be ‘swingers’. Of those people, an even more vanishingly small number can form into trios (or quatroons or whatever). I’m lucky enough to be one of those people.
I’m going to accept it, love it, and never EVER EVER take it for granted.
And you who read this? Take that last paragraph and etch it into your eyelids.
Sandor | May 21, 11:32 AM | #
Les, in re “Those girls are killing me,” it’s doubtful that the speaker was referring to the intentions of the girls; he was more likely referring to their effect on him. Maybe in other languages, this could be expressed in a less ambiguous way. Hot bi babes commonly take a libertarian position espousing the right to be sexually expressive without bending (so to speak) to considerations of a potential audience, whereas horny straight dudes do commonly take the solipsistic position you infer, namely that women’s sexual expression is always intended in terms of its effect on men. A possible communitarian position seems comparatively less popular or spoken-up-for, possibly due to reflexive fear of conservative implications. Keep up the good work!
Leslie | May 21, 09:34 PM | #
Why is it that “hot bi babes†must consider their audience even when they’re not being sexually expressive? Like say, anytime I’m on a date with a woman, invariably a man always comes along and assumes that we’re lonely and need his company. Nevermind that we actually want to have a private conversation.
Then one would think that at least behind closed doors we’d be given some privacy, yet we’re still accused of not considering the man. Maybe, just maybe, a man should know when to walk away. If it’s “killing him†then it means he’s not involved so he should C himself to the door.Lex, Emma, and I are involved because we don’t fetishize each other. I too hate it when people come up to me and act as if they can automatically be a part of what we have or disrespectfully ask how they “can get some of that?†Besides the fact that we don’t own each other to be able to “lend each other out,†we don’t exist just for someone else’s entertainment.
charles | May 21, 10:24 PM | #
Leslie, what do you mean when you say that the three of you are involved ‘because we don’t fetishize each other’?
Les | May 22, 11:49 AM | #
Charles,
We have met a lot of women who seem to be into “us” just because they’ve never done a threesome before and maybe they fantisized about it. Or maybe it happens to be convenient. It would be nice if they stuck around, but it has been our experience that once they’re bored they find another form of entertainment.
Maybe fetishize isn’t the best word. It’s like for some, we become an object to fixate on. They may not even be with us because they see us as individuals who each deserve respect and real affection and maybe they don’t take the relationship all that seriously.
I guess what I’m saying is that Lex, Emma and I aren’t just involved because it’s not the norm. It’s not easy to describe, but it’s certainly not just about getting off.
emma | May 22, 01:13 PM | #
Les …you sound so cool and sorted out. The girls are lucky to have you! There’s not many men who can cope with the emotional aspects of being in a group dynamic, but you seem like you’re handling it!
Leslie | May 22, 06:15 PM | #
emma,
I guess you meant Lex?
charles | May 24, 06:15 PM | #
Thanks les…
...I think I know exactly what you mean.
Boy | May 30, 10:14 AM | #
Man, that post brought back some memories.
I’m one of those lucky guys who actually had a wife and a girlfriend (for a while… sigh) and we reached that level of comfort with each other. It was amazing.
And it was also so annoying how many people just didn’t get it. Either they were freaked out or they assumed we were always, always, constantly having sex. Or both.
Although in my experience the guys weren’t any worse than the girls when it came to not getting it.