Why can't I find Amanda Huginkiss?
In Wednesday’s entry I mentioned Leslie’s forum post about her problems with the male of the species. I think it bears amplification:
I tend to take control with most (not all) girls that I meet, at least in terms of making the first move and often the second and third move. It’s as if they’re always waiting, no matter how much they like a person. And if I don’t make a move, nothing will happen. It’s actually a lot of pressure sometimes. And I hate to feel forced about it. Luckily, overall, I’ve gotten used to the idea that I won’t get what I want if I don’t take action. Of course, sometimes it works, sometimes it backfires, but I never know unless I try. I don’t try to force it, because that just makes me feel awkward and I’m not really good at faking being ready. But as soon as I see the window and if my nerves aren’t totally paralyzing me, I know I’m the one who will most likely jump through so I take my destiny into my hands. I think that’s one thing that girls tend to like about me. I’ve always thought of myself as being either the least shy “shy person” or the shyest “un-shy person”. Anyone who knows me is used to hearing me say I’m shy (because that’s how I really feel). I think I’m not usually intimidating to girls so they can usually appreciate my boldness.
Unfortunately, that same philosophy often gets me nowhere with men. They can really be such idiots sometimes. They don’t want a woman to be too aggressive with them. Some have told me that “a man is supposed to be the one who takes charge,†but then they just stand there holding their dicks in their hands wondering what they should do. So, I’ve been told sometimes I come on too strong with men. I mean, what’s my deal? Am I just asking for trouble? No, certainly not. Yes, I do enjoy sex, but no, I’m not just looking to get plowed. I guess I’m just a woman who likes to put myself out there when I like someone. The thing is that it seems to bother a lot of men and they shy away from me. That may be my downfall in terms of attracting the kind of people in whom I might have an interest.
I used to work in sales and I remember the grizzled veterans of the trade had a term for accounts won without the usual prospecting and arm-twisting. They called them blue bird sales, as if a little birdie flew through your window and landed on your desk. No matter how much the sale might have been worth it didn’t prove the mettle of the sales guy and was therefore viewed with bitterness and suspicion, even, at times, by the lucky prize-winner himself. There’s a similar attitude at work in the gritty world of mating and dating—if she’s into you from the start, the thinking goes, then there must be something wrong with her.
A culture that views pussy as a prize to be won places little value on aggressive females. Sex that is freely given doesn’t do anything to validate the self worth of the lucky guy. And even if men don’t actively buy into it, the pussy-as-hard-won-prize mentality is so prevalent in our media that men unwittingly internalize it. Turn on the teevee, go to the movies, read a popular book or magazine article and it’s all about a hapless dork scamming his way into the pants of some impossibly top-heavy and tight-bottomed generic hottie. The aggressive female is usually depicted as a nutcase, or else, OMG, she’s fat.
I don’t really have an answer to Leslie’s conundrum other than to say putting yourself out there is, in my opinion, never a bad idea. The men who cannot appreciate this—the men who are in the game to bolster their fragile egos through conquest—probably aren’t worth your time anyway.
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El Diablo De Verde | Jun 3, 12:00 AM | #
Women should absolutely make the first move. Make your intentions known. Cut through the bull. Guys who don’t appreciate this are probably just chauvinists and I agree, a waste of time.
Pirate Pete | Jun 3, 12:51 AM | #
But don’t forget that for most of our male lives, it has been women who have promulgated the attitude that men have to work to win their favours. And when you have had this from childhood, it becomes part of your value system.
So when a woman behaves in a manner which is totally different to what you have been told for all of your life, you do not know what to do.
If Leslie chooses to behave in a sexual manner which is different to the vast majority of women, she should expect that she will be treated very differently by the great majority of men.
For the few men who are used to having women hit on them, there is not an issue, but for the great majority, it is outside their experience, and hence will not know how to respond correctly. They will be tongue tied.
Maybe Leslie could work out some way to help her target to say yes, rather than being tongue tied.
Leslie | Jun 3, 05:43 AM | #
Pete,
I have enough experience to be able to get a man to respond to me, in the moment. They have no problem kissing me right there and then, grabbing me and so on, when I first make the move. My point is that they run away afterwards, like a day or two later.
Luckily I haven’t slept with any of those men. And I only regret having sex with a man once. In that case it was simply because it was really bad sex (the man fucked like a rabbit on crack and I’m neither into beastiality nor into those kind of rocks), but I digress.
I usually at least get a kiss out of men if I make a move. It’s the day after that gets me frustrated. Suddenly they can’t even say hello to me. It’s like they’re ashamed or something. My pussy is by no means gold, but how can I possibly give it up when a man can’t even look me in the eye after a passionate french kiss?
Boy | Jun 3, 10:30 AM | #
I obviously don’t know about the circumstances, but I wouldn’t be surprised if many of these men weren’t just intimidated.
It’s easy to go along with a kiss or something on the spur of the moment, but when you realize you’ve been making out with a woman with many lovers, in an open relationship, I’ll bet a great many men will feel quite inadequate.
Or maybe they just find out they aren’t as sexually liberal as they thought they were.
Flint | Jun 3, 05:17 PM | #
Well I for one (for very selfish reasons) am not too upset that so many men lack enough self-confidence to deal with an aggressive, or rather decisive woman. It’s much easier to stand out from the idiots when there are so many of them. Bring it on sweetie.
charles | Jun 4, 11:36 PM | #
Men have a vested interest in shunning women who have the temerity to ‘make the first move’.
After all, if it were possible for women to make the first move, they might decide to chase after unsuitable men. Like say that cute bike messenger, or that aclu lawyer. We can’t have that. What if women decided something was more important than a line of bullshit, or a sugar daddy?
Then the Maxim-reading inevestment-banking ferarri-owning wankers who infest my local gym would be left high and dry.
As they should be.
I have always waited for the woman who made the first move, and I have NEVER regretted it.
Leslie | Jun 6, 05:59 AM | #
Flint,
Bring it on, you say? Is that a dare?
PonyBoy | Jun 6, 12:27 PM | #
Ok, I’m horny now – and I’ve never even MET you people! ;-P
Bill | Jun 12, 08:14 AM | #
Don’t give up. Plenty of us don’t mind being the hunted, instead of the hunter.
Katharine | Jun 14, 01:35 PM | #
It is disappointing isn’t it when men act that way the next day. Never did quite understand that. I agree with your man though, you just have to keep doing what you’re doing because we quite simply need more of you around.
That energy – it’s what makes me feel most alive and beautiful. If someone ever directs that at me I am humbled, flattered and turned on all at the same time.
Leesa | Aug 21, 04:15 PM | #
I say “don’t make the first move.” If you do, people will think you are a slut, whether you are one or not.