Homecoming

Posted by Lex Konrad in Sex | Apr 04, 2007

Motherfuckers are so nice
Suck my dick
Lick my ass
In the mix we have sex
Every night with my famous friends

-Miss Kittin & The Hacker, “Frank Sinatra”

Slip into your tank-top — the one with the busty, machine-gun-wielding babe on the front. Pull on your black velvet pajama bottoms. Ease into your narrow Prada loafers. React with surprise when your girl appears before you in nothing but an undershirt, a thong and knee-high leather boots. It is too bad she cannot dress like this more often. Head to Jimmy’s for pre-game drinks with your underwear-clad friends, who compliment you and your girl on your healthy tans. “I’m almost black now,” you quip to a smiling Lisa. Forgo the weed; you need to stay sharp tonight. Autumn’s balmy air crackles with possibilities.

You’ve never been to CAKE before and you just couldn’t resist the lingerie party, coming as it does on the heels of your Mexican adventure. It’s been less than a week. You still carry that powerful sexual charge.

Don’t hesitate to act when you see the dirty blonde standing at the bar, facing outward, cradled in the arms of a tall black dude. Take your fiancée’s hand and nod in their direction. “They’re swingers,” you say. “How do you know?” she asks. “I just know,” you answer. The whys and wherefores aren’t particularly important to you right now. She’s sexy, this one, in her bustier and lacy boy shorts. Make the proper introductions. Nod knowingly when she tells you she’s from the Midwest. She has that look about her. You make mouth noises at the girl and she smiles, and then you talk to the guy she’s with, watching as the dirty blonde places her hands on your fiancée.

Perhaps there really is such a thing as gaydar for swingers.

Find your friends on the dance floor. Cavort with them for awhile before striking out to explore new territory. On your way downstairs the dirty blonde finds you. “Where are you going?” she asks, and when you tell her she promises to meet you down there soon. Recall the rules of Slut Club. No one owes anyone anything. The night takes on a hazy quality. You are distracted by everything. You want to touch everyone. Stroke your woman’s curly locks as she squats in front you, hungrily gobbling your knob. Use your other hand to steady yourself against the bar. When your fiancée stands up a young man approaches. “You’re my hero!” he exclaims. Don’t say anything — just tilt your head forward and smile.

The dirty blonde shows up as promised. Watch for a moment as she and your woman suck face, well aware this beautiful stranger can probably taste you on your fiancée’s tongue, and then turn your back on them. Let that shit marinate. You talk to a lone woman at the other end of the bar but she’s not as interesting as you hoped she’d be. Turn your back on her too. Another rule comes to mind: If you’re not having fun, go do someone else.

What are you waiting for?

Stand before your fiancée and her new ladylove. Unleash the beast from your trousers and tell the girls the snake petting zoo is open for business. Shudder at the silkysmooth caress of their delicate hands. Blondie peers up at you and smiles. Grey eyes. Slender nose. Neat rows of white teeth. She is unsettlingly attractive. Tell her you’d like to put the thing she’s holding somewhere else. Let the women huddle again; watch as digits are punched in and negotiations concluded. She’ll see the two of you alone. Try not to perform a victory dance upon hearing this. It’s only natural. Three is the magic number.

The balance of the night is a blur of bodies in motion. Let a random woman grab your ass. Stick your tongue in another’s mouth. Paw at yet another one’s breasts. Find your friends again and dance. You’ve entered a state of grace. Is it you? Is it the party? Did you bring some of that Mexican Mojo back with you, packed into your suitcase along with the lingering scent of the surf? Just know that it all makes sense now. Everything makes perfect sense.

More: Sexy Parties | CAKE | Swingers | Voyeurism | Threesome | Seduction

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