Posted by Lex Konrad in Advice | Nov 16, 2007
After reading the responses to my last post it occurred to me that speaking in koans all the time — while fun for me — is less than informative for my readership. It’s also apparent people are suffering from frustrations, misconceptions and frustrated misconceptions.
Girl, for example, has several bones to pick with the men of London:
Please could you print out this post, copy it onto, I dunno, 3 million billboard-sized posters, and plaster them all over the walls of my city, so that the men here grasp just what it means to be sexually liberated – and then that might finally stop all their bullshit, lying and cheating.
‘Compassion’ worries about measuring up in the sack:
For “Dude”, if he doesn’t actually believe he’s better than average in the sack (this blog sets the bar reasonably high, though maybe not from your perspective) and his sexual performance is important to his sense of identity it’s easier to imagine why the idea of sharing his girl with another man might be uncomfortable.
Echoing Girl’s comment, long-time reader Charlie believes there aren’t any men out there who are good enough for his lovers:
[M]y problem has always been the deep conviction that NO man is good enough for my girls, so I have always been very hesitant to sign off on the hunting license.
And in the most poignant of the comments, AJ finds it unlikely that anyone can make a connection in this mad world:
Jealousy type stuff may be a problem for some people, but not most. The major problem lies with anyone finding anyone else attractive and the extremely bad odds of it working both ways. This is true of many of the couples and all of the single people I know.
I cannot say anyone is wrong for having these thoughts. I’ve been frustrated on more occasions than I care to think about. Like I told Bad Man a while back, I wasn’t born a Chick Whisperer. Seduction wasn’t built into my genetic code: I had to practice and learn just like other mere mortals. There’s a lot more that goes into making the sausage than what I share here.
But I’d like to do more than just tell dirty stories while my readers sit around the cathode-ray campfire blinking in disbelief. To this end, dear readers, if you have questions about how we do what we do — anything from meeting partners to setting boundaries to bedroom logistics — then go ahead and ask them here.
Posted by Lex Konrad in Relationships | Nov 08, 2007
Dating people separately is not new to us. There was a time, back in the day, when each of us saw other people regularly. On a few occasions we went as far as to schedule double dates (our last MFM threesome was the outcome of one of these — it should have been an orgy but my date was a total bitch).
So the world did not end when Leslie took a male lover.
Not that many people appeared to grasp this fact: upon hearing the news (delivered in passing, usually) people would pause for a moment as if they were expecting me to make some tearful confession. Unlike our threesomes, orgies, couple-swapping, months-long triads, Leslie’s girl-on-girl dates, and even my own shore leave, it was a radical act for Les to see another man on her own — a sign, even, of trouble in paradise.
Of course, people’s discomfort with equal-opportunity extracurriculars derives from the horribly fucked up way our society views gender, sexuality and relationships. But it surprises me how often even sexually liberated folks tend to fall back on social programming. A few weeks before Les and I were married my favorite prank was to tell friends I had renounced non-monogamy, that I planned to stop fucking other people because “that’s just what you do when you get married.” Almost no one called me on it.
I find myself having a recurring conversation with guys. It goes like this:
Dude: “I’d love to have a sex life like yours.”
Me: “There’s nothing stopping you.”
Dude: “But I’d lose my mind if I saw my girlfriend with another guy.”
Me: “And that’s why you don’t have a sex life like mine.”
I understand jealousy — I don’t identify with jealous people but having been there I understand the emotion. What I’ve never been able to get my head around is the peculiarly male preoccupation with being the only cock in the hen house. I know several men who would probably benefit from non-monogamy (and whose significant others would probably be up for it), and yet these same men are paralyzed at the thought of granting the women in their lives the same freedoms they desire for themselves. Some of these blokes would rather cheat than talk about doing what Les and I do.
The irony is that more often than not I do end up being the only cock in the hen house. This is probably because I don’t try to impose arbitrary sexual constraints on the women I’m with. Sexual liberation — sexual fulfillment — is an exercise in letting go. Time spent preventing other people’s satisfaction is time better spent finding your own. Even then, it can be less about actually doing it than simply knowing you can.
And so on the night of Leslie’s first date with a man in ages I sat at home and watched Law & Order. To be honest, it slipped my mind for a couple hours that she was on a date and I nearly called her at work. It occurred to me that perhaps there was something wrong with me — that maybe I ought to have been upset that my wife-to-be was with another man. But then I remembered I knew where she was and who she was with and, most importantly, that she would be coming home to me.
Posted by Lex Konrad in Relationships | Nov 04, 2007
“Would you like a kiss?” I asked her, carefully freeing the chocolate from its foil wrapper.
“No, but I’ll have a real kiss.” The actress winked at me when she said this. She had delicate features, pale skin. She wore a purple wig with little green horns protruding from the top.
“Are you making a move on me young lady?”
“I think I am.”
I wasn’t sure what to make of this; I’d seen her canoodling with a friend. After all I’ve seen and done it still surprises me when women appear to operate on my wavelength. Her lips melted into mine. It was delightful.
I ran into her at Madame X a few days later. Bespectacled now, no longer wearing the costume she’d worn to the party, she looked like a sexy librarian, like a hot nerd, like the “ugly” girl in one of those coming-of-age movies (who inevitably transforms into a supermodel as soon as she lets her hair down). “You are a woman of a thousand faces,” I told her.
Little did I know how true this was.
Addressing Leslie now, the actress said: “Sit down… I’m going to give you guys a lap dance.” I remained standing, and as the girl undulated over Leslie’s lap she backed her firm ass against me. As the night wound down we sat together on a comfortable couch. The actress pulled down the top of her blouse and offered me a very pink and very erect nipple. “Put your mouth on me,” she intoned, smiling. There was something sweet in her voice — her request didn’t sound at all like a demand.
I offered her my index finger. When she took it into her mouth it seemed like a promise of things to come…
We never did fulfill that promise though: her boldness had been for show. I suppose it made sense, her being an actress. After two tepid dates I summoned my newfound powers of saying ‘no’ and delivered the dreaded words. Let’s. Just. Be. Friends.
It has been asked why men are so often hesitant around a forward woman. Perhaps it’s that women are so often content to nip at the edges of sex. We can never be certain what anything means. Sometimes a kiss is just a chocolate confection — sweet and delightful and forgotten in an instant.
