The Goose and the Gander
Dating people separately is not new to us. There was a time, back in the day, when each of us saw other people regularly. On a few occasions we went as far as to schedule double dates (our last MFM threesome was the outcome of one of these — it should have been an orgy but my date was a total bitch).
So the world did not end when Leslie took a male lover.
Not that many people appeared to grasp this fact: upon hearing the news (delivered in passing, usually) people would pause for a moment as if they were expecting me to make some tearful confession. Unlike our threesomes, orgies, couple-swapping, months-long triads, Leslie’s girl-on-girl dates, and even my own shore leave, it was a radical act for Les to see another man on her own — a sign, even, of trouble in paradise.
Of course, people’s discomfort with equal-opportunity extracurriculars derives from the horribly fucked up way our society views gender, sexuality and relationships. But it surprises me how often even sexually liberated folks tend to fall back on social programming. A few weeks before Les and I were married my favorite prank was to tell friends I had renounced non-monogamy, that I planned to stop fucking other people because “that’s just what you do when you get married.” Almost no one called me on it.
I find myself having a recurring conversation with guys. It goes like this:
Dude: “I’d love to have a sex life like yours.”
Me: “There’s nothing stopping you.”
Dude: “But I’d lose my mind if I saw my girlfriend with another guy.”
Me: “And that’s why you don’t have a sex life like mine.”
I understand jealousy — I don’t identify with jealous people but having been there I understand the emotion. What I’ve never been able to get my head around is the peculiarly male preoccupation with being the only cock in the hen house. I know several men who would probably benefit from non-monogamy (and whose significant others would probably be up for it), and yet these same men are paralyzed at the thought of granting the women in their lives the same freedoms they desire for themselves. Some of these blokes would rather cheat than talk about doing what Les and I do.
The irony is that more often than not I do end up being the only cock in the hen house. This is probably because I don’t try to impose arbitrary sexual constraints on the women I’m with. Sexual liberation — sexual fulfillment — is an exercise in letting go. Time spent preventing other people’s satisfaction is time better spent finding your own. Even then, it can be less about actually doing it than simply knowing you can.
And so on the night of Leslie’s first date with a man in ages I sat at home and watched Law & Order. To be honest, it slipped my mind for a couple hours that she was on a date and I nearly called her at work. It occurred to me that perhaps there was something wrong with me — that maybe I ought to have been upset that my wife-to-be was with another man. But then I remembered I knew where she was and who she was with and, most importantly, that she would be coming home to me.
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The Girl | Nov 8, 03:59 AM | #
Please could you print out this post, copy it onto, I dunno, 3 million billboard-sized posters, and plaster them all over the walls of my city, so that the men here grasp just what it means to be sexually liberated – and then that might finally stop all their bullshit, lying and cheating.
Please. I beg you.
Thank you.
Lex | Nov 8, 02:52 PM | #
3 million posters? That could get awfully expensive…
The Girl | Nov 8, 03:16 PM | #
Yes, but we need to ensure there is one poster for every man in London; no small task, I know, but a necessary one.
Compassion | Nov 8, 03:30 PM | #
I’d be feeling a bit persecuted if I lived in London right about now…
For “Dude”, if he doesn’t actually believe he’s better than average in the sack (this blog sets the bar reasonably high, though maybe not from your perspective) and his sexual performance is important to his sense of identity it’s easier to imagine why the idea of sharing his girl with another man might be uncomfortable.
charlie | Nov 8, 04:04 PM | #
my problem has always been the deep conviction that NO man is good enough for my girls, so I have always been very hesitant to sign off on the huntig license.
Men are pigs. I know it. I’m the least piggish man I know, and I’m not good enough for my girls.
Not that honest, noble and attractive men don’t exist…But they’re damned thin on the ground.
aj | Nov 8, 05:58 PM | #
Me: “I’d love to have a sex life like yours.”
You: “There’s nothing stopping you.”
Me: “My girlfriend and I have been looking for other people together and separately for ten years.”
Me: “No one else has ever been attracted to either of us, including the small handful of people we’ve been drawn to.”
Jealousy type stuff may be a problem for some people, but not most.
The major problem lies with anyone finding anyone else attractive and the extremely bad odds of it working both ways.
This is true of many of the couples and all of the single people I know.
Anothernonymous | Nov 10, 09:22 PM | #
I’m married to a wonderful man, and I have a lover in another town (for 3 years now). And my husband and I swing, and he’s welcome to take a lover if he falls in love.
I remember being insecure and jealous, but it’s been so long it’s a pretty faint memory.
Charlie wrote “NO man is good enough for my girls,” but the whole point of it for me and my husband is that it’s up to each of us who to date. Maybe “your” girls would be willing to get something different from another man.
Compassion wrote “he doesn’t actually believe he’s better than average in the sack,” but it’s not just about sex, it’s a relationship like any other, with shared interests. And because the sex won’t be exactly the same, it might not have to be better to be good enough—just different (and still good).
charlie | Nov 10, 11:44 PM | #
anothernonymous wrote:
“Charlie wrote “NO man is good enough for my girls,” but the whole point of it for me and my husband is that it’s up to each of us who to date. Maybe “your” girls would be willing to get something different from another man.”
We consider it a responsibility of being in a committed triad (three years and still madly in love) to carefully screen all of our extracurricular activities. We find that it prevents an awful lot of problems. Now I should point out that I was guilty of hyperbole when I said “NO man”…But later when I said ‘thin on the ground’ I was dead serious.
Or maybe I’m just an insecure patriarchal loser with a tiny penis and an inferiority complex.
Minxxa | Nov 11, 12:10 AM | #
I think it’s often difficult for people to step outside themselves, dissect why they feel the shit they feel, etc. That said, yes it’s amazing how many people would rather cheat so they can get what they want without having to let their partners do the same. But then it’s an american trait to want to have what we have, and do what we want, but not let others do the same.
NB | Nov 11, 08:41 PM | #
Wow! You expressed my feelings to a ‘T’. Although really recognising jealousy for what it is (a vile and almost always counterproductive emotion) took me quite some time. And I still do not have your sex life, but that may also be related to my more introvert personality.
charlie | Nov 12, 04:14 PM | #
The thing about jealousy is it is complex. If you feel it, you have to distinguish between the component of protectiveness, and the component of possessiveness.
You SHOULD be protective. It’s your responsibility as a lover to be protective. Possessive, however, can be quite destructive.
Protective feelings are born out of love. Possessive ones often come from fear, feelings of insecurity, or distrust.
k | Nov 18, 01:51 PM | #
Brilliant post. I think it sums up a lot of things beautifully, especially the last line- “and I know she’s coming home to me.” The old adage about if you love it turn it free seems to be holding up quite nicely for you two. Really fantastic post.
Jezebel VonTizzle | Dec 5, 01:52 AM | #
my lover and i have jokingly from time to time had this conversation. most recently it rotates around picking up another girl for a threesome. but what you are talking about here is something a little different. i am curious about how this works for your relationship. my boyfriend and i dont see each other a lot as it is, (i have minimal free time due to child constraints) and i honestly dont want to share the little free time i have with him being out on a date. perhaps the timing isnt good for us, and that is the sign its not a good idea. that and well, i just cant imagine him with another woman. idk, i guess i jsut dont like to share.
S | Dec 18, 03:36 PM | #
I wish more people had this kind of a perspective. Even as a woman, I completely relate to what you’ve said above. Cheers.