Looking for threesome and open-relationship advice?
After reading the responses to my last post it occurred to me that speaking in koans all the time — while fun for me — is less than informative for my readership. It’s also apparent people are suffering from frustrations, misconceptions and frustrated misconceptions.
Girl, for example, has several bones to pick with the men of London:
Please could you print out this post, copy it onto, I dunno, 3 million billboard-sized posters, and plaster them all over the walls of my city, so that the men here grasp just what it means to be sexually liberated – and then that might finally stop all their bullshit, lying and cheating.
‘Compassion’ worries about measuring up in the sack:
For “Dude”, if he doesn’t actually believe he’s better than average in the sack (this blog sets the bar reasonably high, though maybe not from your perspective) and his sexual performance is important to his sense of identity it’s easier to imagine why the idea of sharing his girl with another man might be uncomfortable.
Echoing Girl’s comment, long-time reader Charlie believes there aren’t any men out there who are good enough for his lovers:
[M]y problem has always been the deep conviction that NO man is good enough for my girls, so I have always been very hesitant to sign off on the hunting license.
And in the most poignant of the comments, AJ finds it unlikely that anyone can make a connection in this mad world:
Jealousy type stuff may be a problem for some people, but not most. The major problem lies with anyone finding anyone else attractive and the extremely bad odds of it working both ways. This is true of many of the couples and all of the single people I know.
I cannot say anyone is wrong for having these thoughts. I’ve been frustrated on more occasions than I care to think about. Like I told Bad Man a while back, I wasn’t born a Chick Whisperer. Seduction wasn’t built into my genetic code: I had to practice and learn just like other mere mortals. There’s a lot more that goes into making the sausage than what I share here.
But I’d like to do more than just tell dirty stories while my readers sit around the cathode-ray campfire blinking in disbelief. To this end, dear readers, if you have questions about how we do what we do — anything from meeting partners to setting boundaries to bedroom logistics — then go ahead and ask them here.
More: Seduction | Dating | Polyamory | Swingers | Threesome
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Chris | Nov 17, 06:39 AM | #
There are two secrets to making a sexually liberated relationship work – 1) there can never be too much honest communication, and 2) you both have to want it.
My wife and I experimented with all sorts of relationships over a period of about 6 years – foursomes, sex parties, threesomes, you name it. But no matter how hard she tried, she never really enjoyed it. Soon she was doing it more for my benefit than hers. She wanted to stop, I didn’t. Now we’re getting divorced.
I hope your relationship is more successful than mine.
Water Dog | Nov 22, 11:46 PM | #
I only discovered this site the other day, I’ve spent my free time reading a lot of it. Great writing! There’s so much content here I’ll be busy for a while… But being new to a more liberated attitude toward sex thanks both to my open-minded girlfriend and admitting to myself that I can no longer live in a state of denial about my sexuality and desires, it escapes me how to go about meeting people like yourselves and ourselves. I’ve found most of the posts on Craigslist to be suspicious in spite of much of your own successes there. We’d love to find places to go to meet people and are clueless where to start. We both work in NYC. We have the honesty and trust and maturity to have discussed adding a third or fourth or “more-th” to our sex lives. We need a comfortable place to go where we can begin to explore much more. We’ve thought of going to Le Trapeze for a start but read conflicting stories of people’s experiences there. Any suggestions would be appreciated. In the meantime I’ll continue to look for more clues in your archives. Keep up the good work!
Cat | Nov 26, 07:08 PM | #
I’ve been interested for months in how to go about starting a relationship while one is in progress, especially if the new relationship is going to mainly sexual. If it’s not mainly sexual, I’m not sure how to make that second man feel like he matters, since he knows I’m already spoken for (sort of). I also had it drilled into me that everyone in the world has STDs, and I don’t want that to be what I bring back to my current relationship. What sort of advice can you give? Thanks a bunch. :)
charlie | Nov 29, 12:33 AM | #
I can tell you that “swing clubs” can be a really good place to start looking…But remember that in their very nature they are for meeting other couples, not singles. Up in our neck of the woods, singles are not even allowed in unless already the guest of a couple.
NYC is blessed with a large quasi-swing party scene, I know Lex has posted several parties in this blog, so I would attend one of those.
Craigslist here in Calgary is a bad joke. The postts that are not just spam are all prostitutes, or just wierdos jerking people around for fun. I’ve heard in bigger centers that the craigslist thing can be really good though.
kennyk | Dec 4, 03:38 AM | #
ok, here’s a tricky one. i’ve recently learned that a girlfriend who i’d had for several years and with whom i kept in on/off touch with has become a swinger. i didn’t hear this from her mouth, but let’s just say it doesn’t surprise me in the least. we had a few exploratory threesomes while we were together (mff) but we broke up for other reasons.
would it be inappropriate for me to ask to be invited to a party (not necessarily to be there with her)?
Story Teller | Dec 17, 04:30 PM | #
I don’t want to take the light away from the owner of the blog, but I thought I might just mention a piece of advice to kennyk. In my opinion, it all depends on how you two broke up that will determine whether you should or should not call her up and say, “hey, can I come to a party?” If you ended on good terms, perhaps it could work. If you ended on crappy terms, well, then I wouldn’t bother.
Marcelle Manhattan | Dec 17, 04:36 PM | #
Lex and Leslie, it was great to meet you Saturday! My question: can you really get a man to expose his cock by buying him a smoothie? If so, the next time you guys have a party, I’m making a Jamba Juice run first.
:) Marcelle
Lex | Dec 19, 02:09 AM | #
Chris — You learned an important lesson the hard way, namely that two people have to be on the same page (or at least reading from the same book) to have this sort of lifestyle. Even at that, you have to give your partner room to breathe. Though you’re only getting a piece of the story here, we do take frequent breaks to enjoy some one-on-one time.
Walter — Thanks for reading us. Don’t bother with Le Trapeze. You’ll be much better off exploring parties like Chemistry or Flirt where you can dip your toes in the water without feeling like fresh meat (however, you can jump right in at these parties too if that’s what you’re looking for). Check the events section for more details… I’ll be posting a couple more parties in there soon. Craigslist can be a pain in the ass but if you approach it with some creativity (and without any expectations) you can also end up with six naked women in your living room. Really, the key is to open your eyes (and learn how to drop subtle hints). There are perverts everywhere.
Cat — It’s never easy starting a new relationship when you’re already in one. Since you’re already “spoken for” people often assume you just want a chew-toy on the side (not that there’s anything wrong with that). If you want your beau to feel like he’s special to you in some way, then treat him that way. And be every bit as picky about your second relationship as you were about your first. If you’re looking for quality sex or something more then what’s the rush? Taking your time and being selective also does a lot to mitigate the STD risk, but ultimately you’re going to have to decide what level of risk you are comfortable with.
Charlie — Attending a few swingers parties and clubs — even if you don’t end up playing with anyone — is a great way to figure out just what it is you are really looking for. But I’d also like to point out that we’ve befriended couples in the swinger scene who later introduced us to single females, so it’s important not to go in with the instant-gratification mindset that I see in so many of the younger couples. Les and I learned almost everything we know about picking up a third from experienced swingers.
Kenny — Story Teller is right. If you two have a comfortable rapport then why not? In any case I’d recommend doing the legwork yourself and finding someone you can invite to a party. Maybe you’ll run into your ex there and get a double blowjob.
Marcelle — Ah, lovely Marcelle. Remember what I told you: a smoothie gets you a looky but no touchy… you’ll have to do a handstand for the latter.
charlie | Dec 22, 09:26 PM | #
lex has an extremely important point about mindset in his comment on my comment (i guess that would be a meta-comment?) People seem to feel that they can plunge right into a wild life of orgies, three girl blowjobs, gangbangs, strap-on festivals…But it’s like any other social group, there is a definite integration period.
People who are involved in ‘this kind of thing’ form a very definite community. Spend a bit of time with a couple, and you will most certainly be introduced to their friends, their friends friends, and so on. People are very hesitant at first, becauuse so very many people come crashing into this kind of thing, fuck up a few relationships, and then disappear. Hang out, demonstrate that you can be relied upon to not be a complete ass, and many doors begin to open up.
I do find that swingers clubs tend to be a little less useful for this kind of thing. many of the people are there because a lot of clubs have a very strong ‘what happens here, STAYS here’ emphasis…Which people like because it allows them to avoid revealing their scandalous hobbies out there in the real world, where their mom or their boss might find out. That’s a great feature, but not so great if you seek adventure outside the walls of a local club..
Naughty Secretary | Jan 11, 02:27 PM | #
What a lovely blog I have stumbled upon. Delicious.
Yes, I agree. Communication, trust, and the same goals, are a must from both parties. I was once involved with a married couple, and they are now getting a divorce, because they’re dynamic lacked all three before I even met them. Looking back, I probably should not have entered into the arrangement. Although I know I did not cause the break up, I think my presence was a catalyst. I certainly won’t make the same mistake again.
Thank you for your honesty. I’m glad the two of you found your perfect formula to make this work. Hope for us all.
NS
Rachel | Jan 20, 09:56 PM | #
Where have you gone?
Long time no post… we are missing you.
Charlie | Jan 31, 07:50 PM | #
No posts since November 2007? What’s going on? I know you’re shy but don’t be afraid… post away!
Leslie | Feb 2, 10:03 PM | #
We were caught up in other life stuff. I’m sure there will be another post soon :P