Posted by Lex Konrad in Advice | Nov 16, 2007
After reading the responses to my last post it occurred to me that speaking in koans all the time — while fun for me — is less than informative for my readership. It’s also apparent people are suffering from frustrations, misconceptions and frustrated misconceptions.
Girl, for example, has several bones to pick with the men of London:
Please could you print out this post, copy it onto, I dunno, 3 million billboard-sized posters, and plaster them all over the walls of my city, so that the men here grasp just what it means to be sexually liberated – and then that might finally stop all their bullshit, lying and cheating.
‘Compassion’ worries about measuring up in the sack:
For “Dude”, if he doesn’t actually believe he’s better than average in the sack (this blog sets the bar reasonably high, though maybe not from your perspective) and his sexual performance is important to his sense of identity it’s easier to imagine why the idea of sharing his girl with another man might be uncomfortable.
Echoing Girl’s comment, long-time reader Charlie believes there aren’t any men out there who are good enough for his lovers:
[M]y problem has always been the deep conviction that NO man is good enough for my girls, so I have always been very hesitant to sign off on the hunting license.
And in the most poignant of the comments, AJ finds it unlikely that anyone can make a connection in this mad world:
Jealousy type stuff may be a problem for some people, but not most. The major problem lies with anyone finding anyone else attractive and the extremely bad odds of it working both ways. This is true of many of the couples and all of the single people I know.
I cannot say anyone is wrong for having these thoughts. I’ve been frustrated on more occasions than I care to think about. Like I told Bad Man a while back, I wasn’t born a Chick Whisperer. Seduction wasn’t built into my genetic code: I had to practice and learn just like other mere mortals. There’s a lot more that goes into making the sausage than what I share here.
But I’d like to do more than just tell dirty stories while my readers sit around the cathode-ray campfire blinking in disbelief. To this end, dear readers, if you have questions about how we do what we do — anything from meeting partners to setting boundaries to bedroom logistics — then go ahead and ask them here.
Posted by Lex Konrad in Advice | Apr 11, 2006
The other night I was out with a friend of mine and the subject of threesomes came up (as it usually does in any conversation involving me). “My boyfriend and I hang out with attractive women but it never goes further than hanging out,” she lamented. In her case I think it’s just the inevitable nadir of the feast-or-famine cycle, but on the way home I puzzled over this common complaint. Why do some couples consistently realize the fantasy of a threesome while for others threesomes remain in the realm of, well, fantasy?
As I walked I thought about my experiences, considered behaviors I’ve observed in others, smiled at a pretty woman (upon which I nearly got run over by a city bus) and came up with the following nuggets of advice:
Fortune favors the bold
A long time ago I said threesomes don’t happen by accident, at least not with any regularity. Group sex may be the number one fantasy for many but it’s about the last thing anyone expects to happen outside a swinger club. The wanna-be hedonist must be bold.
I learn by observing people who are bolder than I. My fiancée, for example. Never in my life have I met anyone who’s so fearless with either sex, yet so cuddly and genuine at the same time. I remember talking to Peggy at the Pink Party, wondering what to do next, when Leslie swooped in. I watched in awe as the following conversation unfolded:
Les: “Do you like girls?”
Peggy: “Yes.”
Les (slipping an arm around Peggy’s waist): “Do you think I’m pretty?“
Peggy: “Yes”
Sloppy kissing sounds.
Leslie, ever the humble one, will probably point out that I’ve had my bold moments too, but my moments of brilliance are as irregular as old people’s bowel movements.
There’s no need for pickup lines or complicated strategies. And don’t weigh yourself down with excuses — there’s always someone younger, prettier, wealthier — in the end the people who get what they want out of life are the people who ask for it.
Stop trying so hard
Constantly being on the prowl is the number one newbie mistake, and it’s probably the biggest mistake threesome-seekers can make. In fact that’s the problem right there: threesome-seekers. As I noted in a previous entry:
I took a Dale Carnegie course once. Mr. Carnegie was fascinated by the human factors that make some people more successful than others, so he did his own research and wrote a book on the subject. He discovered a secret; a key to getting what you want out of relationships. Do you know what the secret is?
Take a genuine interest in people.
People aren’t simply means to various ends; they have their own motivations, their own joys, and their own fears. They want to be appreciated every bit as much as you do, and for the same reasons. Even hot babes feel this way.
Not long ago I had a wonderful conversation with a young woman about her funky retro shirt and our mutual taste in clothing. I made an effort to listen to what she was saying rather than simply staring at the twins (which, trust me, is difficult when you’re 6’5” and looking down into every woman’s blouse). Twenty minutes later I was flicking my tongue over her erect nipples.
Set the agendas aside. Take a genuine interest in something other than the obvious. You’d be amazed how sexy that can be.
Drop the couple front
As a couple, there’s a world of difference between having each other’s implicit support and clinging together like frightened nocturnal mammals. The latter is totally unsexy. And intimidating. No one wants to deal with the drama that ensues when one half of an insecure couple suddenly feels threatened.
It’s much more fulfilling for everyone involved when you keep the rules to a minimum; when, rather than jealously hovering over each other, you work on trust and communication before you head out into the big bad world. As long as I have a general idea of who she’s with and where she is, I’m not concerned in the least if I’m at a party and I don’t see my better half for an hour. Likewise, I’m not sitting at home sweating bullets if Les is out on a date. I trust her not to do anything that would jeopardize our health and security as a couple.
No matter how many parties are involved, sex and seduction are all about one-on-one chemistry. I don’t expect to be pulled into a torrid threesome simply because Les has chemistry with someone else, nor do I expect the reverse to happen. And yet, paradoxically, by connecting with people as individuals (and letting them know we’re open to, um, alternative bedroom hijinks) we wind up in a sexy three-way pile more often than not.
Really, the sex is secondary. Even if you’re in a monogamous pairing you can benefit from relaxing a little, opening your relationship to outside influences and letting each other shine as individuals. As tempting as it is to circle the wagons, try not to relate to everyone and everything as a unit. You’ll spare yourself years of therapy.
Think sexy, be sexy
She’s not even the most attractive woman in the room, yet she just gives off this vibe, like she invented sex. Maybe it’s the way she swings her hips as she saunters through the crowd; maybe it’s that when she speaks with you she makes you feel like you’re the center of her world; maybe it’s something she’s wearing, an outfit that only a confident, sexy chick like her can pull off. Whatever it is, you’re drawn to her. We’ve all met that girl. Or that guy.
Be that girl. Be that guy. Well, don’t literally copy someone else — you’d only end up looking like an idiot. Instead, find something that’s uniquely yours, something that works for you, and let it shine through. Rock that style, that look, that attitude, that little quirk in your personality that you usually hide for fear of not fitting in. To hell with what anyone else thinks, your quirks are what make you sexy, dig?
If I had to define what makes Leslie so mouthwatering to me, I’d say it’s that she acts more like herself, random silliness and all, than any other woman I know. She just lays it all out there, take it or leave it.
Everyone has an inner rock star. If you feel good about yourself you are, by definition, sexy. It’s so simple, and yet so elusive.
[NB: Naked Loft Party accepts no responsibility for damages that may result from following the advice above, including but not limited to: bruised lips, sore nipples, pulled groin muscles, scratched backs, rug burn and just-fucked-hair.]
Posted by Lex Konrad in Advice | Aug 06, 2005
Chingobling writes:
Throughout this whole blogosheric odyssey I keep wondering ‘what the hell does this guy do for a living?’ y’know what makes this apparently hip and freewheeling lifestyle possible. Maybe I missed the part where you talked about that (I’ve read about 3/4’s) or maybe you have a purpose in not talking about your mundane life, but eventually you start to give the impression that you live off a trust fund. I’m pretty sure that a lot of the comments about how your blog lacks a certain believablity come from the fact that your sexploits aren’t contextualized regarding other aspects of your life. Sorry to say this but in some ways you come off as a silk shirt with a dick.
Aside from those folks who are lucky enough to have public sex-related careers, some degree of anonymity is de rigueur among people participating in the no-holes-barred world of sex blogging. For example, I’ve been corresponding with Girl for a little while now and may, if my luck holds, get to meet her soon, but I still don’t know her first name and I’ve only the vaguest concept of who she is in the small-talk sense.
Being in a relationship, I don’t have the luxury of writing in a vacuum. Though my parents know certain things and I might not mind them stumbling upon NLP, Leslie’s family is another matter altogether. Similarly, though I may no longer be suckling at the corporate teat (at least not directly), Leslie has not yet liberated herself from the Matrix. Blogging about pretty much anything, even in your private time, is considered an actionable offense throughout cubicle-land.
While we’re on the subject of liberation, freedom is what you make of it and success is doing what you want to do on your own fucking terms. For me, the end game has never been about a big ole house in the suburbs and two SUVs in the garage and two-point-five children with two-point-five nannies and eighty hours a week on some sort of Masters of the Universe job that fills me, simultaneously, with self-importance and self-loathing. Plus, shaving every day irritates my skin. So my first few steps down that path were my last. I occasionally still do work for the Man, but I’m weaning myself off work in the traditional sense and becoming master of my own universe. That’s really all I feel like sharing for now—I don’t want to be held responsible for mass defections from the corporate salt mines.
I’m not quite sure how people get the idea that our lifestyle requires enormous amounts of cash. Time for leisure and creativity? You have to make it a priority in life. A nice apartment with Central Park views? Hello craigslist. And don’t forget to pick up some paint and spend money on decent furniture that’ll last for years. Designer clothes? Hello Century 21. ‘Hip’ clothes? I still get compliments on my faux fur pimp coat, acquired years ago at Domsey’s for a grand total of fifteen bucks. A chauffeur-driven automobile? Walk to the curb on pretty much any street and raise your hand. Expensive martinis? Spend a few minutes chatting with the bartender; you’ll never pay list price again. Cover charges at parties and clubs? Get to know people and covers will become a thing of the past. Expensive dinners? Uh, sorry, no getting around that. But then again there’s Restaurant Week. Drugs? Kick the fucking habit already.
Hot babes? Well, they’re free of charge.
No, seriously.
It’s common folklore among men that money and pussy are inextricably linked—even I, in my youth, once believed this. But it’s all bullshit, a conspiracy of, among others, the restaurant, automotive and clothing industries. Don’t get me wrong: I enjoy treating our friends and lovers, but that sort of generosity should be enjoyed for its own sake. A lawyer friend of mine used to blow hundreds of bucks on first dates and then complain, two weeks later, that his date hadn’t called him back. “Well, first, no more elaborate first dates,” I finally told him one night. “Meet over coffee or drinks and take it from there. Spend your money on people who mean something to you, not random strangers. Second, take all that money you’ll be saving and invest it in a nice, babe-ready apartment, preferably sans-roommates.” I can’t tell you how many times we’ve gone home with a lovely young woman after some fool attempted to impress her with his bling and ply her with gratis beverages all night. Silly wabbits, sex is free—a gift of pleasure exchanged among willing partners. The rush comes from getting her to crave you, not your money.
So what’s the moral of the story here kids? Living well is a matter of attitude. All those big plans you had for your life, for becoming the person you always wanted to become? What are you waiting for? Your deathbed? Ain’t no time like the present.
And for the record, I don’t wear silk: you wear it out once and it languishes in the closet for weeks because you’re too lazy to take it to the dry cleaner and by then you’ve forgotten you even own it. But I do, however, have a nice dick.
Posted by Lex Konrad in Advice | Aug 01, 2004
Men are caught up in the folklore of the pickup line, thinking they can magically trigger the female mating response if they’re armed with the perfect routines. Usually gamesmanship backfires and men are left feeling anxious over what ought to be a perfectly natural thing. They learn to freeze up in the presence of women.
Eric shares his thoughts on approach anxiety, and cites examples from female bloggers to remind us that women are just as interested in being approached as men are in approaching. He closes with advice for the guys:
Men—just go talk to new people. It’s an adventure—a treasure hunt. You never know what you’ll get. You may get two girls giving you a fake name and telling you that they’re lesbians. You could get asked to dance. You could find the woman you want to marry.
I’d take it a step further: stop worrying about what you’re going to get out of each encounter and learn to enjoy the encounter itself.
I took a Dale Carnegie course once. Mr. Carnegie was fascinated by the human factors that make some people more successful than others, so he did his own research and wrote a book on the subject. He discovered a secret; a key to getting what you want out of relationships. Do you know what the secret is?
Take a genuine interest in people.
People aren’t simply means to various ends; they have their own motivations, their own joys, and their own fears. They want to be appreciated every bit as much as you do, and for the same reasons. Even hot babes feel this way.
I used to get discouraged sometimes, in business and pleasure, thinking about all the steps that lay ahead and all the things that could go wrong. Eric mentions my run-in with the two lesbians, for example. Fearing I wouldn’t get what I wanted out of them, I backed out. It wasn’t until years later that I began to recognize the value of simply sharing a moment with someone, the fruits of which are documented in these very pages.
If you’re anxious about approaching, if you’re wondering whether your material is good enough—whether you are good enough—then you are trying too hard. It’s funny how often we all forget the basics. Talking is as easy as opening your mouth and letting words tumble out; listening as easy as shutting up long enough for someone else to get a word in. Try it some time—open your mouth, say something, shut up and listen, then respond.
Do this often enough and you might even get good at it.
Posted by Lex Konrad in Advice | Nov 17, 2003
DeeGee made an interesting observation in the comments below:
God…our threesome came about after months of flirting…that’s the best way to do it. Looking back those sexually-charged times were fantastic…and every bit as satisfying as the end game.
In light of DeeGee’s comment I want to revisit something I wrote about in my last post:
Threesomes are all about momentum. You may spend a month or an hour laying the track, but once it’s laid the choo-choo train is either moving or it ain’t. This is the hardest thing for most people to grasp. “But she’s so nice,” they’ll say. “She didn’t exactly say no.” Trust me. I’ve been there. I’m as annoyed as anyone else that women will spend half an hour snogging us only to turn down a simple date. But assuming you’ve come across in an honest, flirtatious and non-threatening manner, there’s nothing else you can do. If a woman won’t make a date, or if after a few dates she’s not ready to say “your place or mine?” then it’s time to move on. Two weeks is about the longest it’s ever taken for us.
I realized some people might be tempted to take this idea of momentum too far. We’ve come across two kinds of women in our threesome adventures: those who were looking for no-strings-attached fantasy fulfillment, and those who were motivated by a deeper connection with us. With the former group, there’s that initial flurry of excitement that inevitably wanes over the following weeks. In these situations the clock is definitely ticking.
Women in the latter group are a rare breed, the good ones. They genuinely enjoy your company and you genuinely enjoy theirs. You have to be careful not to be so eager that you ruin something that could have developed naturally. The more serious you are about sticking around as a friend the more likely it is that a threesome will develop. There’s nothing wrong with a slow burn, a little uncertainty, a false start even. It makes the endgame that much more intense. DeeGee is right—getting there is at least half the fun.
And if nothing happens, so what? What have you lost? The advantage of being in a happy couple is that you aren’t pining away for someone else. Your new friend may introduce you to one of her cute friends. You may drop the subject only to have things heat up again later on. Momentum is important but the endgame isn’t everything.
