Posted by Lex Konrad in Dispatches | Nov 21, 2008
Whiskey river take my mind
Don’t let her memory torture me
Whiskey river don’t run dry
You’re all I’ve got, take care of me
-Willie Nelson, “Whiskey River”
The White Rabbit. Yeah, no. The last time I was here a dude tried to grab my ass and a chick tried to become my stalker. Crazy town, man. Crazy town.
***
The Axe Man tries to talk my wife and me into buying raffle tickets but I’m not yet drunk enough to try my luck at anything.
***
Viviane is all like I haven’t seen you in a while and I’m all like yeah I know I’m an unreliable friend.
***
I cannot think of anything intelligent to say to Tess and Selina because I’m tall and their cups runneth over.
***
The Bad Man shows up and everyone sez “Oh hey!” And then Sinclair shows up and I give her a hug and I’m meaning to ask her for tips on bending hotchix to my will but then someone says something and I forget.
***
Gotta get some air. The Calico Cat is lost so I text her directions. “How do you spell Forsyth?” I ask the Bad Man.
“Does it matter?”
The Calico Cat looks like a pharmaceutical sales rep. “Nice power suit,” I tell her.
***
The Axe Man and I try to convince the Bad Man to give his eager 20-year-old a go. Having been frustrated in the pursuit of an ideal, I’ve learned to err on the side of pleasure.
Ronen snaps some pictures of us while we’re talking. Leslie is confused because he does not give her time to pose. “He’s taking anti-portraits,” I explain.
***
Morpheus tells me I’m the only one who’s made the connection between his name and the name of the bar we’re standing in. I feel special.
***
I admire the Bad Man’s tenacity. When I meet his former paramour I can see why he’s been holding out. “She’s delightful!” I announce. I can’t put my finger on it yet, but she reminds me of someone.
Leslie takes a shine to the Bad Man’s former paramour’s saucy, tattooed friend.
***
I hold in my hand a slip of paper that entitles me to take liberties with Rachel. Do I just come right out and ask?
I come right out and ask.
She removes her glasses and bends over the bar. I am not satisfied with my first attempt, but the second blow lands solidly upon her right buttock.
When Leslie takes her turn a man tries to sidle up to the bar. “Back off!” she cries. “Spanking in progress.”
***
A youngchick is there for her birthday party. She cannot find anyone to sign her calendar so I lead her around the room introducing her to people. “You should come hang out with us,” she sez.
***
On my way past the coat check I spy a tallchick with curly blond locks. Hot and a little funny looking. Just my type. I stop in my tracks and drink her in head to toe. She smiles. I wait a beat and turn around.
***
Bad Man and company are headed elsewhere. “If you pick these girls up you are welcome to bring them out to meet us,” he sez.
“Dunno. I’m getting a straight vibe and I’m trying to avoid straight women right now.”
***
The tallchick stands on the sidewalk looking bored. Les and I strike up a conversation with her. The woman is Puerto Rican and speaks with a lispy accent. We meet her husband, who does not seem the least bit put off that we are chatting up his wife. She invites us back inside, where she buys us a round (and, egads, a couple shots). I speak with a friend of hers while Leslie slyly obtains the tallchick’s number.
***
We leave, fully intending to hop on the train or whatever, but then I see that Katz’s is still open. I order a pastrami on rye. The sandwich guy hands Leslie a bunch of pickles. We walk down the block to Bereket and while Leslie’s in there ordering falafel I tear into my deli sammich, which is so savory I have to steady myself against a wall lest my buckling legs give out.
I had forgotten that it is sometimes possible to feel the presence of God.
***
The Slipper Room, scene of Leslie’s impromptu burlesque many moons ago. The Bad Man is there with his former paramour and his former paramour’s friend. Leslie falls into an intense conversation with the paramour’s friend while the Bad Man stands, rather stoically, against a booth. I inquire as to the origin of his discontent.
Shrugging helplessly, he says, “She’s in love with someone else.”
All night she’s been happily feeding him the hangman’s rope. It’s like watching someone get kicked in the nuts. Repeatedly. You cross your legs in sympathy.
I’ve been there before.
***
The torture continues. I don’t understand why people play these games — games which serve no purpose other than to introduce bitterness into the world.
***
“I finally figured out who you remind me of,” I tell the paramour.
“Who’s that?”
I am grinning now. “The most evil woman I ever dated. I still remember the moment I decided to break up with her: We were lying in bed one morning and she decided to call in ‘sick’, but when her secretary answered she yelled at the poor girl for picking up on the third ring.”
“Hey! I don’t even have a secretary.”
***
A man in a suit offers me a smoke. It’s weird how people latch on to me. “So what do you do?” I ask him.
“I fuck chicks.”
***
Another strange night draws to a close. The Bad Man’s girls leave, and in time so do the rest of us.
“Forget about her,” I call out as he shuffles across the street. “You deserve someone who wants to be with you.”
So do we all. So do we all.
Posted by Lex Konrad in Sex | Jun 20, 2006
There’s a right way to rock
And a wrong way to roll
You can just listen to your soul
Just remember that life
Is number one
You can be having so much fun
Tim and Eric
High Tea
I’m at Jefferson’s pad, surrounded by perverts, pornographers, prostitutes and philanderers of every persuasion. We are the new dissidents—enemies of a theocratic state, canaries in America’s coal mine—enough secrets among us to set off a firestorm of personal, professional and legal repercussions. There are new faces, fresh additions to an ad-hoc collective that’s starting to feel like home to me.
I sit on the couch, sandwiched between Chelsea Girl and Viviane, leaning forward now and then to make a selection from a coffee table covered end-to-end in dishes piled with tempting finger food. “It’s funny how I wasn’t sure about you at first,” I tell CG.
“But then I grew on you like moss.”
“Yes,” I reply. Like kudzu. Like athlete’s foot. Like red algae. We’ve reached, as they say, a comfort level. She has a certain cynicism or sadness about her—I don’t know which—that appeals to me. She uses big words; I talk about my big penis. If this isn’t a solid foundation for a budding friendship then I don’t know what is.
Leslie and Jefferson are talking about the infamous underwear party of 2003. “I was the art instructor!” he exclaims. Figures. When I first came across his blog I just knew I knew him. And, sure enough, months later Anya mentioned him to me. Now we’ve come full circle. At times New York feels less like a teeming metropolis than a sleepy yet secretly debauched little hamlet—the sort of place one might find in an Updike novel.
Somehow Selina, CG and I get to talking about our toughest times in New York. “Two thousand two was my lost year,” I’m telling them. “I got laid off, went through a traumatic breakup with someone who was ten years younger, and I just sort of fell into a hole.” I don’t know why I tell them this; Les and I rarely talk about it. About the girl. We don’t even invoke her name.
There’s a new girl, Jane, an impossibly slight creature. I catch her eye a couple of times. I’m intrigued and I’m struggling to remember what I’ve read about her.
Viv asks me about Peggy. I never know what to say when people ask about that cool chick we introduced them to however long ago. Our triads are usually good for about three months. Then the girls drift. And we drift. And at some fuzzily-defined point there’s no there there anymore. It used to bother me—lately, not so much. I’m not sure whether this means I’m calloused or just mellow.
People are on their feet now, some of them talking excitedly about their plans for the night. Les and I stand on the balcony trading sex stories with the enigmatic Jamye Waxman. I’m always fascinated to hear about threesomes from the perspective of the proverbial third wheel. People come out to say farewell. I gawk at Selina, who’s now wearing a brand spanking new corset acquired at the Exotic Erotic Expo.
By 6:30 Les and I realize we have to hit the road if we’re to have any chance of meeting our college friends on time, so we make the kissy-kissy rounds. I offer to help Dacia with her porno. “But I’m not gonna fuck on camera,” I add.
“Why doesn’t anyone wanna fuck for me!” she exclaims in what I assume is mock exasperation. Everyone laughs.
Les and I ride the train uptown with Flint. There’s a sparkle in my fiancée’s eyes and I can tell the gears are turning. “The two of you are so tall,” she says, smiling broadly.
Dinner
We have dinner and drinks with college friends. “When you turn your life into a work of art,” Jesus says to me, “you lose your ability to appreciate simply being alive.”
It’s 12:30 in the AM when we leave them. Our night has barely begun.
Rated X
Les and I roll into Luke and Leroy’s shortly before the hot body contest begins. Eighties music blasts over the sound system and from the look of the crowd these old hits might be news to many of them. I’m already disappointed. “Everyone’s wearing way too many clothes,” I say to my babe, frowning. We step outside for a smoke and I talk to some young blonde and she falls into a dream and slides away. The hot body contest is a sausage fest, both on and off the stage. Not that I had high expectations, but my Jedi instincts told me to come here tonight, forgoing the half-dozen other parties we knew about. There must be some method to my madness.
Time passes and I eye the clock on my phone, trying to figure out how we’re going to occupy ourselves until GBH’s doors open at 4AM. We step outside again and before long Les and I are conversing with a petite, busty, curly-haired Latin girl. I’ll call her Serena. “What do you think of Rated X?” Serena asks me.
“It’s more like Rated PG-13,” I quip. “You shoulda been in that contest.”
“Definitely,” sez my fiancée. “You’re beautiful.”
Les and Serena both flash their breasts and fondle each other right there on the fucking sidewalk. The bouncer’s eyes are as wide as saucers. Since Les appears to be, um, handling the situation I turn my attention to Serena’s friend Evie, who’s cute but a tad Rubenesque for my taste. This is, I believe, the first time in my life I’ve ever played the wingman. We return indoors and sit at the bar, where I learn Evie’s visiting from Texas. She doesn’t appear shocked to see Serena lock lips with my girl, but she does smile and raise an eyebrow. I shrug. “That happens sometimes.”
“They really seem to like each other,” she sez.
“Yes they do. So tell me about Houston, Evie. I’ve never been.”
The bar soon empties out and we’re all on the sidewalk. “Where are you going now?” asks Serena.
“GBH,” I respond.
“What’s that?”
“Great British House. You two are coming with us.” I hail a cab, open the door and make a grand sweeping gesture with my arm.
“I’d follow you anywhere,” Serena says to Leslie. The girls pile into the cab and we’re off.
GBH
At the door they let the girls in free but charge me ten bucks. I’m inclined to let it go, seeing as I have more important items on my agenda, but the girls come to my aid, Leslie forming the thin end of the wedge. I cannot help but laugh when the bitch at the door hands me back my cash.
“Can I buy some cocaine from you?” inquires the bartender. “My regular guy isn’t here yet.”
I’d nearly forgotten that I have my shades on. Apparently I’ve missed my calling as a dealer—or else, y’know, as an undercover narcotics officer. “Sorry man. Looks like you’re assed out.”
The place fills with languid dopers. The girls dance. Leslie tugs at my shirt and the buttons all pop open. Serena spins around, places her hands on my bare chest and falls upon me, her body gyrating against mine. I grab a handful of her firm rump and pull her to me.
When Serena and Leslie disappear into the bathroom Evie and I find a place to sit. “So how old are you?” she asks.
“Thirty-two.”
Her eyes widen. “What? And your friend?”
“The same.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Just good genes I guess. What about you and Serena?”
“I’m twenty-two and she’s twenty-one.”
I stifle a coughing fit. “Damn, I’m old enough to be your—older brother.” I grin. Evie laughs.
No matter how many times I swear off younger women I keep on meeting ‘em. Serena’s a year younger than the girl-who-shall-not-be-named; maybe that girl is the reason I discriminate against the young chicks. Maybe this is wrong. Why should I hold all young chicks responsible for one person’s sins? I’ve found no evidence that women my age are any better.
When Leslie and Serena return we dance again. Serena grinds her ass against me and soon I’m sporting a piece of pipe and I know she knows, because the harder I get the harder she rubs against me. When Serena and I uncouple Les notices my trouser snake. She rubs at it and giggles. Serena squats before me and places her pretty mouth over the bulge, sorta biting it. Is this really happening?
Our young companions prepare to leave—Evie has a flight to catch—and so I kiss Serena on the nape of her neck and say goodbye. After watching Serena’s gorgeous posterior recede into the distance I turn to Les. “You got her number, I trust.”
She rolls her eyes as if she’s talking to an idiot. “I told her everything about us and she’s cool with it.”
“Evidently. Did you know she’s only twenty-one?”
“Yes.”
“That’s what I like about these New York girls, man. I get older and they stay the same age.”
We both laugh and then head over to the bar to settle our tab. On the way out we run into Ruben Rubin, long-haired party promoter extraordinaire. “I don’t know how he still does it after all these years,” I tell Les.
The world outside is hot and bright. Squinting against the light, I flip my shades over my eyes in one fluid motion, then take Leslie’s hand. An old tune runs through my head:
I love New York in June
How about you?
